Civil Thoughts

Adoption Resource #2 - Toddler Adoption - The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins Best

2011-11-10T21:28:00.004-05:00

Over the last decade and a half, I've come to the conclusion that the most challenging adoption situation for both the child and the adoptive parent is that of a toddler. During the toddler years, children start to express themselves and use a variety of different methods to do so. Children over the age of five or six have a much easier time expressing themselves, even if they are speaking in their native language to a translator. When a child is adopted as a toddler, they need to express their feelings and fears about new surroundings, new people, new smells, new food, new everything. And this need to express is hindered by the fact that they are still learning to communicate. Children born to and raised by their biological parents have difficulty communicating and expressing their emotions (biting, anyone?). Throw an adoption into the mix of this crucial developmental stage, and you've got yourself one terrified and confused kid that is not apt to attach to his or her new parents with ease.

Toddler Adoption - The Weaver's Craft, by Mary Hopkins Best, is my second favorite adoption resource out there. Thorough, clear, and - best of all - frank, this book spends a large portion of the book asking parents the hard questions, summarized by the chapter title: "Is Toddler Adoption for You?" The book then explains the development of a toddler, how a toddler grieves having to leave familiar surroundings, and how adoptive parents can attach to a grieving two- or three-year old. Dr. Hopkins-Best gives examples of specific toddler adoptions and clear guidance as to how to best parent these children in desperate need of attachment to their parents.

Ten years ago, I hesitated to recommend this book to potential adoptive parents because I was afraid that it would scare them away from adoption. I had seen my share of orphanages around the world, and I wanted (still do) every single child languishing in an orphanage to have a loving family. What I understand now is that, while every child needs a loving family, not every family is capable of providing the environment that these children need. So in order to advocate responsible adoption, the best thing I can possibly do is recommend Toddler Adoption - The Weaver's Craft when I meet parents who are considering adoption. Note that this book has portions that are applicable to the adoption of a child at any age. Knowing what they will face when that grieving child enters their home is the very best thing that parents could do. Realizing that parenting an adoptive child takes many additional measures of patience, perseverance, and kindness toward these hurting children is what adopted toddlers need most during the transition into their new families. Adoptive parents need to know. Reading this book will do just that.

Adoption Resource #1 - Helping Your Adopted Child

2011-10-11T18:19:00.006-04:00

This is the first of several posts intended to highlight quality adoption resources. I will be recommending books that provide helpful and effective advice in matters of parenting adoptive children as an alternative to parenting books than have proven harmful to adopted children. Helping Your Adopted Child - Understanding Your Child's Unique Identity, by Paul David Tripp is the first of these recommendations.

Helping Your Adopted Child is a 22-page booklet that is provided by the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation. While it is clearly Christian in nature, I would encourage non-Christians considering adoption to read it, as Tripp's practical strategies are applicable to parents of all religions.

Paul Tripp (not to be confused with Tedd Tripp, author of Shepherding a Child's Heart) has been counseling for over 25 years, but he is also an adoptive parent. That combination is extremely appealing to me, as he has both professional and personal experience with adoption. He starts out summarizing his experience with the adoption of his daughter, who is now well into adulthood. He then discusses God's view of adoption and progresses to struggles that an adopted child faces throughout life. His insight is frank and firm, yet he provides hope for parents in their efforts to help these unique children through their struggles. With this important foundation, Helping Your Adopted Child also provides practical strategies for helping adopted children through transition and struggles.

I appreciate the fact that Tripp points out that often times, parenting strategies for adoptive children sometimes require different techniques that parents would use with their biological children. He's clear that formulas do not work in the parenting realm and encourages parents to point their children to their identity as God sees them. The best part of this booklet is the fact that Tripp points parents to look to God, and not to quick-fix solutions.

I recommend this pamphlet to adoptive parents at the beginning of the process, to adoptive parents struggling with parenting their children, and to adoptive parents who don't like to read long books . So check it out. Buy one, a pack of five, or a case, and pass them out to anyone you know considering adoption.

Adoption Education for Life

2011-10-07T16:48:00.006-04:00

To say that I'm sad about this story is an enormous understatement. The death of any child under any circumstance is horrific. The death of a child at the hands of adoptive parents somehow seems more than horrific. That it's happened twice in the past three years with the same book as the guiding parental advice light is abominable.

Here at Civil Thoughts we adore adoption. Someone's pain became our joy four times over. For us, adoption has been the greatest joy of our lives. For some parents, this joy is not felt. Adoption is complicated, at best, for everyone involved. Over the past 13 years, we've completed four adoptions and assisted with countless others. During these years, one of the constants I've experienced is the fact that, once the excitement subsides, the first days at home can be extremely challenging for the child and parents. This is especially true for children adopted older than the infant stage. The cry of the new parents during this time is always this: "Why didn't I know it was going to be this difficult?"

Most people would assume that adoption agencies help with post-adoption counseling. Typically, they do not. I vacillate on whether or not it is their responsibility to do so. The bottom line is that processing adoption paperwork is expensive, and adoptive families balk at adoption costs as it is. If agencies were to spend time providing post-adoption counseling, they couldn't cover the basic costs of running the agency. So, families who bring home children at older ages are usually left with little help as they navigate how to live life together.

While adoption of children at any age is challenging for the child, the most difficult adoption situation - by far - is when an older child is adopted from a foreign country. In most situations, these children have lived in orphanages for some time, and while logic would dictate that their new surroundings would evoke gratefulness from them, the surroundings seem strange and overwhelming to the child. These kids can't speak the language, they can't recognize the food they are eating, and they can't wrap their brains around why everyone looks so different. Many parents of these children muddle through these challenges, and some parents actually help the children settle into the their new life in a way that is effective. Some parents, however, become so overwhelmed that they hang on to every last ounce of control that they think they have and they use that control in an attempt to "fix" these children who are clamoring to survive in their new environments. By all accounts, this is what happened to poor little Hannah Williams. It's also what happened to Lydia Schatz.

Trying to fix adopted children to the point of death is simply not acceptable.

Someday, I'd love to start a non-profit organization solely dedicated to providing post-adoption counseling to families. Until then, I'm going to have to just try to continue to educate people about how to help these precious children settle in to their new lives.

Over the next few weeks, I'm hoping to highlight resources that will help adoptive families with transitioning their newly adopted children with love, grace, and patience. These resources that I will summarize are not a substitute for competent professional counseling, which is often times what these children and families need once they are home. I'm not a professional counselor, but I am experienced with adoption, and I feel as if I have to do something in light of this latest tragedy. The books and pamphlets that I'm going to discuss are a first step in the right direction for families thinking about adoption, for families in the midst of an adoption, and for families who are wringing their hands over how to survive a completed adoption. More often than not, I talk to parents who are embarking on the adoption journey and they have no education about how they are going to help their children once the adoption is complete. Starting an adoption without reading about the challenges is nothing short of foolish. Prospective adoptive parents must educate themselves. It can be a matter of life and death.

Please send the adoptive families here to read about books that can help. Encourage them to throw away books like To Train Up A Child and pick up books like the ones I'm going to discuss in the coming days. Together, we can take this little step to help end the senseless deaths of children who want and need loving families.

I Don't Know How She Does It, by Allison Pearson

2011-08-14T14:16:00.001-04:00

As you can tell by looking at this year's reading list, I've had a bit of an identity crisis. As usual, I tried to solve it by reading a bunch of non-fiction. And, consistent with the solutions to my mini-crises of the past, a fiction title made everything right again.

I Don't Know How She Does It, by Allison Pearson, is a novel about Kate, an executive with a financial firm. She is married with two kids, and her work provides the primary source of income for her family. Kate's nanny cares for the children while she works and travels all over the world and while her husband tries - half-heartedly - to give his own career some momentum. Pearson's insights into the world of women trying to do it all are incredibly well-written, not to mention eerily accurate. One of my favorite examples follows:

"I reckon this must be how it was for centuries: women doing the doing and exchanging conspiratorial glances and indulgent sighs about the men. But I never joined the Muffia; I don't know the code, the passwords, the special handshakes. I expect a man - my man - to do women's work, because if he doesn't I can't do a man's work. And up here in Yorkshire, the pride I feel in managing, the fact that I can and do make our lives stay on track, if only just, curdles into unease. Suddenly I realize that a family needs a lot of care, a lubricant to keep it running smoothly, whereas my little family is just about bumping along and the brakes are starting to squeal."

I laughed more while reading this book than I did when I read The Corrections, and that's saying something. Here is a sample of that humor with which every mother can identify:

"Leaning over the empty tub, I clear out the Pingu toys and the wrecked galleon, unstick the alphabet letters which, ever since the vowels got flushed down the loo, have formed angry Croat injunctions around the rim (scrtzchk!). I peel off the crusty half-dry Barbie flannel that has started to smell of something I vaguely remember as tadpole; and then, starting at one corner, I lift up the nonslip mat, whose suction cups cling for a second before yielding with an indignant burp."

And then this:

"When I wasn't at work, I had to be a mother; when I wasn't being a mother, I owed it to work to be at work. Time off for myself felt like stealing. The fact that no man I knew ever felt that way didn't help. This was just another area in which we were unequal: mothers got the lioness's share of the guilt."

And simply because I have a terrible time with returning library materials, here's another quote:

"...and please return Snow White video to the library. The fine now exceeds production costs on the original Walt Disney movie."

Ultimately, it was the way she captured the inner conflict of "to work or not to work" that made me adore this novel. The movie will be released sometime this fall, but I guarantee that the movie will not come close to capturing the dynamic of the working mother like the book does. The sentence construction that Pearson uses to describe women who want it all caused me to pause and ponder repeatedly. She starts off with this description of the "two kinds of mother":

"There is an uneasy standoff between the two kinds of mother which sometimes makes it hard for us to talk to each other. I suspect that the nonworking mother looks at the working mother with envy and fear because she thinks that the working mum has got away with it, and the working mum looks back with fear and envy because she knows that she has not. In order to keep going in either role, you have to convince yourself that the alternative is bad. The working mother says, Because I am more fulfilled as a person I can be a better mother to my children. And sometimes she may even believe it. The mother who stays home knows that she is giving her kids an advantage, which is something to cling to when your toddler has emptied his beaker of juice over your last clean T-shirt."

I found the following little quip hilarious, once I was finished feeling offended:

"Taking her eyes off the Career Path for a few months, she had found herself on what they call the Mummy Track. (The Mummy Track has the appearance of a through road; you can travel for many hundreds of miles along it before you notice you're going nowhere.)"

As the book progresses, Kate struggles more with how to do everything she is expected to do. She starts to make observations like this one:

"You needed a license to drive a car, but with a baby you were expected to pick it up as you went along. Becoming a parent was like trying to build a boat while you were at sea."

At the end of the book, Kate's life has spun so out of control that she makes a lists of reasons to give up work and keep working. Reason 5 on the list to give up working was especially poignant: "5. Because becoming a man is the waste of a woman."

So where does that leave us? With easy answers in this world where the opportunities for women seem endless? Hardly. I'll tell you where the pausing and pondering from this book left me. My parents gave me the gift of a college education which allowed me to have a full-time, working woman career for seven years. I loved the feel of my black leather brief case and I can't remember tiring of wearing suits and high heels. I adored giving presentations and sitting across from clients so that I could explain how their wastewater treatment plant could run more efficiently or how I could design a developer's parking lot so that it wouldn't flood anymore. Twelve years later, I found myself sitting across from a different client. This time, I was teaching my "client" how to read. And let me tell you, teaching my children to read has been one of the greatest joys of my life, and it pales in comparison to the fleeting satisfaction of those presentations I made in conference rooms. Why then, do I drool over my husband's career? Does my desire to work outside the home mean I should leave the work inside my home to someone else? I know lots of women who think the answer to that question is yes. And I know other women who think that my place in eternity would be compromised if I left the rearing of my children to someone else.

What I realized after finishing I Don't Know How She Does It is that the answer comes down to stewardship. I need to ask myself this two-part question: "What have I been given and how can I best take care of what I've been given?" I came pretty close to not having any children at all. Had that happened, I think putting my all into a career would have been a fine choice. But that didn't happen. I ended up with four kids and a husband who's career keeps him traveling constantly. There are no guarantees in life; for a plethora of reasons, it's possible that I may have to work full time during a different season in my life. The point is this: I have to take care of the people and circumstances I've been given at each stage in my life. I know many women who don't have a choice in this matter. With their circumstances, the way that they can best care for what they've been given is to work outside the home.

Much has been written about this topic. I'm drawn to every article and book I see that addresses it. The answers are not black and white in our culture. But they may become a bit easier for women as individuals, not as an entire gender, when we look at what we've been given and determine just how well we are "stewarding".

I know this isn't a book, but....

2011-07-11T09:47:00.002-04:00

Over the past three months, daily implementation of this particular article has transformed my reading of The Book. This is just too good not to share. Of course, just reading the article won't be transforming; it's the implementation that is just. so. good. Check it out soon.

An Approach

A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted, by Will Bowen

2011-02-28T15:45:00.005-05:00

There is a significant amount of complaining that occurs in our house. Ellis, our turtle, wins the prize for most complaining. In fact, he has complained so much about being in our classroom aquarium that I recently set him free. Mosley, our dog, gets the silver prize. He's old and restless and his complaints are in the form of incessant whining, regardless of the fact that all of his needs have been more than adequately met. Then there are the children. Their complaints range from not enough food to too much food, not enough compliments to too many compliments, and too much together time to not enough together time. And then, there is me. I complain all of the time. My subjects are vast, but I tend to complain about my children's complaints, my dog's complaints, and my turtle's complaints.

When I stumbled across A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted, by Will Bowen, I bought it without even reading the premise of the book. This was clearly a case of judging a book by its title.

Mr. Bowen is a minister who decided to start a movement in his church to stop complaining. He attacked his own complaint-filled life by wearing a bracelet on his left wrist. As soon as he complained, the bracelet had to go to the right wrist. The next day, he would put the bracelet back on the left wrist, where it would stay until he uttered a complaint. His goal for himself, his congregation, and the world, is to keep that bracelet on the left wrist for 21 days straight - WITHOUT complaining. Bowen went so far as to design a specific bracelet for purchase. His premise is that, if one can keep from complaining for 21 days straight, complaining in that individual's life will stop for good.

Along with specific tips on how to stop complaining, the book includes a compilation of stories touting the benefits of complaint-free living and the struggles to go even one day without complaining. Bowen more than adequately captures the struggle to change behavior in this book. Bowen writes, "In his play Fiction, one of Steven Dietz's characters remarks, 'Writers don't like to write; they like to have written.' Similarly, people don't like to change, but they like to have changed." He dispels the myth that self-will is enough; he provides a gimmick, in the form of a bracelet, as a tangible reminder that a vice needs to be addressed.

As is usual, I was pretty convicted by this book. However, I kept returning to this question: Do I need the bracelet? After all, I have the power of God available to me. Shouldn't that be enough to stop complaining? Am I not really a Christian because my complaining behavior has not changed? Have I just not prayed enough? Confessed enough? Why can't I stop complaining? Maybe - just maybe - I've not spent enough time thinking about how much I really do complain. Perhaps I need to be more horrified by my complaint-filled life.

I read this book on February 11th. Since then, I've been wondering if I really need the bracelet.

Yesterday, February 27th, I opened my beloved newspaper to Randy Cohen's final article. Randy Cohen has been "The Ethicist" for 12 years. He wrote 614 columns on ethics. In his final column yesterday, he writes this:

"I say with some shame, there has been no such gradual change in my own behavior. Writing the column has not made me even slightly more virtuous. And I didn't have to be; it was in my contract. O.K., it wasn't. But it should have been. I wasn't hired to personify virtue, to be a role model for the kids, but to write about virtue in a way readers might find engaging...What spending my workday thinking about ethics did do was make me acutely conscious of my own transgressions, of the times I fell short. It is deeply demoralizing."

Here is a man who wrote about the need to change behavior for twelve years. He immersed himself in thinking about turning vices into virtues and it did not work, by his own admission. Maybe he just needed a bracelet during those 12 years.

But as I thought about Mr. Cohen and his sad admission in light of my own admission that I am a complainer, the answer struck me. This side of heaven, we will never get it completely right. I will never stop complaining, whether I buy the bracelet or not. Mr. Cohen will never become completely virtuous, whether his contract pays him to be ethical or not. This goes beyond the common adage that "Nobody is perfect." It points us to the fact that we live in a fallen world. And the response to that fact should not be a plastic bracelet. It should not be to feel demoralized. It should cause us to turn to the One who forgives and loves and provides new starts gazillions of times each day. And gratitude for that is what will help us change our behavior.

Reasons I Have Not Read the Twilight Series

2011-02-26T21:47:00.005-05:00

Several of you have asked why I've not read the Twilight books, the popular Young Adult series by Stephanie Meyer. Generally marketed by mainstream America as a morally upright love story for teens, I've received many shocked reactions from people when I explain that I have not read them and that I do not have any plans to read them. Here are my reasons:

Vampires do not interest me. Hobbits, yes. Vampires, no.

I despise romance novels. A novel with a well-written romantic scene is fine, but books that are 100% about romance are, in short, completely unrealistic. While countless numbers of novels are also unrealistic, romance novels tend to encourage the women reading them to put those same expectations on their own relationships. Add to this reason that in the Twilight series the romance is between two teenagers, and I bristle. Teenage girls in our culture struggle enough with finding their identity in having a boyfriend; why do we need to perpetuate the struggle through encouraging their reading of these novels or the watching of the movies?

I will not buy, borrow, or browse books that encourage young women to enter into relationships that are dangerous. The two main characters refrain from pre-marital sex prior to their wedding night. As a result, this series is marketed as triology that is "safe" for teenage girls to read. From what I know of these books, they are anything but "safe". Edward and Bella's entire relationship is centered on danger, as Edward constantly struggles with the need to suck Bella's blood. While obviously an unrealistic situation, the message that this sends to young women is that a relationship lived dangerously is exciting. I have a profound problem with this kind of thinking and I hate to see it glorified in our culture. Not reading Twilight is my feeble attempt to take a stand on this issue.

There are countless numbers of brilliant novels that are more exciting, more engaging, and more edifying. It is with those novels that I will spend my time. I encourage you and the young women you talk with to do the same.

This book will provide some additional reasons that your teenager should not be reading the Twilight series.

The Best Books of 2010, Valentine's Day Edition

2011-02-14T21:28:00.000-05:00

In honor of my love for books, I give you my Best Books of the Year 2010. Happy Valentine's Day!

Tenth Best of the Year: Room, by Emma Donoghue - This is a disturbing book and it won't make you feel good. You will have a difficult time putting it down. This story is told from the viewpoint of a five-year old boy who has never left his room. The insights that unfold about the history and future of the boy's room accurately portray the state of our society. This is an easy read that is unusual, smart, and though-provoking.

Ninth Best of the Year: The Unnamed, by Josh Harris - I adored Harris' first book, which was absolutely hilarious in its satirical look at the corporate office culture. His second, The Unnamed, is a stark contrast to his first. An in-depth look at suffering and marriage, it is dark, depressing, and yet it is chock full of insight on sticking with your betrothed through thick and thin. You can read my full review here. While the experts didn't generally give this one favorable reviews, I thought it was an extremely worth-while read, and especially important for couples.

Eighth Best of the Year: Little Bee, by Chris Cleave - Little Bee escapes her native Nigeria for the hope of salvation in England. A couple in England tries to help her in the midst of their marital turmoil. Again, this isn't one that will make you feel good, but it sheds an important light on immigration issues facing the West.

Seventh Best of the Year: The Road, by Cormac McCarthy - Here's another that stuck with me. My husband read this one and we talked about it extensively; maybe that's the reason I can't shake it. The Road chronicles a father and son as they try to survive in a post "apocalypic" (the reader never really knows why the entire world has been decimated) world where the few survivors are driven to the most horrific of responses to being the few living beings of any kind remaining on the earth. Beautifully written, this one was very tough to read, but I still highly recommend it. During my early morning runs when there is no one else on the road, I am quick to remember this book and I think I appreciate the present a bit more because of it.

Sixth Best of the Year: Blame, by Michelle Huneven - Patsy, a college professor, is accused of killing a mother and daughter while drunk driving. This novel is the story of how she survives her prison sentence and how she copes with life after her time is served. Huneven grapples with the question of how much punishment is really enough. The twist at the end of this one surprised me, though my dad saw it coming. The writing is lovely and thought-provoking.

Fifth Best of the Year: Freedom, by Jonathan Franzen - The Franzen frenzy? Yep. The guy deserves it. He must be a genius, and, boy, would I love to sit down and talk to him. Although I liked the way The Corrections was written much better, Freedom is no less brilliantly authored. In fact, it was intriguing to read his two novels back to back and be able to observe just how different they are. Freedom is satirical as it looks at American culture post 9/11, and yet there is beautiful compassion mixed with the satire. The intermingling of the two tones causes the reader to wonder whether or not America looks like Franzen's picture.

Fourth Best of the Year: Lit, by Mary Karr - Many readers are complimentary of Agassi's Open as an honest memoir of a well known athlete. Mary Karr isn't a well known athlete, but she is a poet laureate and her memoir is full of raw vulnerability like nothing I've ever read. My mom and I will often quote lines from this book to one another. The Glass Castle has gotten so much attention and praise; Lit is the same type of memoir, but it is so, so much better. She struggles with relationships, substance abuse, and the possibility of a brilliant career. This one is outstanding.

Third Best of the Year: Tinkers, by Paul Harding - There is a reason books win Pulitzer Prizes. Tinkers, the winner of the 2010 Pulitzer Prize in fiction, is well deserving of this year's honor. It is the rapid accumulation of a man's thoughts as he lies on his death bed. While maudlin and sad, the account is a stunning reminder to me that the "little" moments in life aren't necessarily "little". This is not easy reading, but I thought it was well worth the effort.

Second Best of the Year: Home, by Marilynne Robinson - A follow up to Gilead, Home does not disappoint. It is the story of a prodigal son, though it will make every other take off on the Biblical story pale in comparison. I saw myself all over the judgmental characters in the novel and was convicted to the core. Not a day goes by when my sinful self reminds me of those poignant characters. Its impact on me was enormous, more so than any Christian living book I read this year.

Best Book of the Year: The Corrections, by Jonathan Franzen - As my regular readers know, I was only reading the genre of parenting books in 2001, which happens to be the year The Corrections was published. My parenting would have been fared better from reading this book than from reading those books. It is a novel about a family living in the 90's. As the father faces Alzheimer's disease, his wife and three children seek to grapple with their identities in an American culture that promises much and delivers little. The introspective reader will see himself or herself all over the pages of Franzen's superb writing. Highly convicting, this one got to me at the core, probably because the writing holds a mirror in front of my face and says, "Is this what you want your life to look like?" But not only is his writing powerful enough to kick the reader in the gut, it is beyond gorgeous. It is, by far, one of the most incredible books I've ever read and I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Honorable Mention - My Reading Life, by Pat Conroy - While Pat Conroy's writing is just TOO much for me, I adored this memoir. I could completely grasp his excitement for reading, and the way he described his love of books, well, in that case, his writing is spot on. If you need some motivation to read more, check out this one.

Award for Most Gut-Wrenching Book of the Year - The China Study, by T. Colin Campbell - Heh, heh, heh. I couldn't resist.

Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, by Amy Chua

2011-02-09T00:29:00.008-05:00

You've been awfully busy if you haven't heard about Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. I have no less than 20 emails in my inbox asking me if I've read it. The book has caused so much of a stir that several men have sent me emails about Amy Chua's description of Chinese parenting. One such father told me that he was going to "step up" his parenting after reading the excerpt from Chua's book. Many mothers I know have quickly scanned the pages of this book, worried to the point of frazzled that they aren't parenting the correct way.

Well. Here at Civil Thoughts, we established long ago that I'm certainly not a perfect parent. I didn't need to read this book to convince me of that. Before I give my opinion on the book, I need to mention a few things. First of all, as the author herself and many journalists have mentioned, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother is not meant to be a parenting how-to. It is a memoir of her parenting journey with her children. Second, there is sarcasm scattered everywhere throughout it. There is some debate about this, but I saw her tongue-in-cheek statements frequently. Third, before you enter into a heavy dialogue about this book, read it. Don't just read the excerpts. The excerpts floating around will give a bit of a false understanding of what Chua is portraying. Finally, I happen to spend an hour a week with a Chinese mother, who has been parenting her children in the United States for ten years. Prior to coming here, they were living in China. I've witnessed a real, live Chinese mommy. In fact, every Wednesday she tries to get me to parent the Chinese way, especially toward my daughter from China.

In Chua's easy-to-read memior on raising her two daughters the Chinese way while living in America, she consistently compares the Chinese way of parenting with the "Western" way of parenting. She specifically shows how she parented the Chinese way with regard to her children's piano and violin playing. Chua is married to a Jewish American and together they have two daughters named Sophia and Lulu. For the most part, Sophia complies with her mother's plan for her life. Lulu is a different story. The memoir is scattered with funny - or what I perceived to be funny - excerpts of her conversation with Lulu, the child that bucks Chua's way of parenting. On page 66, Lulu tells her mother that she is like Lord Voldemort. And then, there was this conversation during a violin practice session that made me laugh out loud:
"Your brain is annoying me," Lulu said. "I know what you're thinking."
"I'm not thinking anything," I said indignantly. Actually, I'd been thinking that Lulu's right elbow was too high and her dynamics were all wrong, and that she needed to shape her phrases better.
"Just turn off your brain!" Lulu ordered. "I'm not going to play anymore unless you turn off your brain."

Humor aside, Chua takes parenting very seriously. She compares Chinese and Western parenting throughout the book. Here is one of her summaries that best describes what she sees as the difference:
"Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturning environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits, and inner confidence that no one can ever take away."

The self-proclaimed Tiger Mother is singularly focused in her methods of parenting. She sacrifices money and time (though not a career as a professor at Yale) to help her children become musical prodigies. Why? Because it is the Chinsese way. She says:
"All these Western parents with the same party line about what's good for children and what's not - I'm not sure they're making choices at all. They just do what everyone else does. They're not questioning anything either, which is what Westerners are supposed to be so good at doing. They just keep repeating things like, "You have to give your children the freedom to pursue their passion" when it's obvious that the "passion" is just going to turn out to be Facbook for ten hours which is a total waste of time and eating all that disgusting junk food - I'm telling you this country is going to go straight down hill! No wonder Western parents get thrown into nursing homes when they're old!"

Chua concludes that Western parents are just as singularly focused on praising and giving children freedom to pursue their passion. I tend to agree with her conclusion, in general. Most Western parents are not apt to force their children to practice instruments or a foreign language for countless hours a day after they've spent much of the day in school. Many Western parents tend to remain uninvolved in the education of their children, believing that is the job of the school system. But Western parents tend to believe their way is correct just as much as Chua believes her way is correct. While I'm not saying that Western parents needs to adopt Chinese methods of parenting, we can learn something from her. It is evident that she is regularly evaluating how she can parent in a better way to achieve the goals she has for her children. She admits that each way she chooses is not the right way. Shs is constantly evaluating and re-evaluating. This, in my opinion, is a profitable thing to do as a parent.

What we also learn from Chua is that one method of parenting does not work for all children. Lulu does not respond to her ways as Sophia did. There simply is no formula for parenting. We Westerners keep looking for it. Heck, a Chinese woman tried a formula. She learns that there is no formula after much turmoil in her house, but she still learned it.

So. Does that leave my opinion between a rock and a hard place?

We have the Chinese parents who parent the way they do because it is the Chinese way. We have Western parents who parent they way they do because it is the Western way. Are those our only choices? Rigidity versus freedom? Criticism versus praise? Discipline versus play? Do we have to choose? Well, if you've read the Western criticism of Chua, you'll read that we don't have to choose. You'll read that we may have balance with our children. We Western parents may give time limits on electronic devices, but we may still allow them. We may suggest a different way of doing someting but we may couch it with praise. We may let them play instruments, but they only need to practice for 20 minutes a day. I don't know about you, but it is hard for me to find balance. The admonition to "find the balance" is much more difficult than choosing one way or the other. So what is this Western mommy to do?

While Chua's guiding parenting principle is "the Chinese way" and Westerners' guiding parenting principle of parenting is "the Western way", I have another driving force. As a Christian, it's pretty important that I exit the Chinese versus Western conversation and enter the Bible's conversation about how to parent. Does the Bible give direction on how rigid or how free I should be with my children? Does God tell me how much to praise and how much to criticize? Can I find Scripture about how much to push and how much to back off with my kids?

In fact, it does. This direction can be summarized in one word: grace. Above all, we need to give our children grace. Sometimes that grace comes to our children in the form of more structure for a child struggling with too much freedom. Sometimes that grace will come to our children in the form of a word of needed praise, and sometimes grace will mean withholding praise toward the child so that praise of his Creator is given. And how do I know what grace to give a particular child at a particular moment? I seek the grace as I parent, daily, hourly, minute by minute, with each and every individual child. And some moments I'm going to forget to seek grace in God's parenting wisdom. When I forget, I'll seek the Chinese way or the Western way. And grace will then be given to me. But when I do, by His grace, seek His parenting wisdom, He will gladly give it and I, in turn, will give grace to my children. And it will be the grace that they need at that moment in time. Each child is different, each day is different. There are no perfect parenting formulas. There is only grace, in parenting and in all things.

One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp

2011-01-18T18:18:00.004-05:00

Does blog fright exist? You know, like stage fright? If so, I have it. The more I read, the more I realize that I can't write. And this realization has produced umpteen blog drafts that remain in the draft category instead of the published category of my blog. Maybe I could write if I had been educated to do so, but I was educated to design the proper size storm drain so that a parking lot doesn't have standing water after a heavy rain. Hey, someone's got to do it.

My problem is that I am deluged by friends who need book recommendations. There simply isn't time amongst the crust cut-offing and storm drain designing that I do to tell my friends about each book I think they should read. Blogging is a necessity of efficiency.

I have another problem. One Thousand Gifts, by Ann Voskamp, was released today and it is possibly the best women's book about Christianity every written. I've now read it three times on my phone. There is much hype about it. As I've read the hype, the blogs and the reviews, it all seems trite. None of the hype does this book justice. I'm not going to do it justice here, either.

Ann Voskamp has written a gem of a book in One Thousand Gifts. This is not your typical how-to book on serving with a smile or submitting with a sigh. Ms. Voskamp is a homeschooling mother of six who lives on a farm with her farmer husband. She doesn't tell you that you must homeschool or grind wheat or have 17 children. She doesn't tell you that you must grow your own vegetables or only wear dresses. She doesn't tell you how to raise your kids or how to be a good wife.

What she does do is pour her heart out onto the pages of this book as a broken woman who realizes how to live fully, abundantly, and gloriously in God's grace as she keeps track of one thousand gifts. Her writing is poetic and beautiful. Most importantly, this book is different. It is unlike any other Christian women's book I've read.

It is simple and remarkable. Profound and brilliant. Stunning and accessible. Living in a perpetual state of thankfulness changed her. It could change you, too.

Tinkers, by Paul Harding

2010-11-08T21:25:00.002-05:00

There's a reason books win awards. With the exception of one Pulitzer Prize winning book*, I think they are far superior to your average best selling novel. Tinkers, by Paul Harding, is no exception. This winner of the 2010 Pulitzer Prize is an under 200-page, $5.99 paperback gem that will make any careful reader slow down and ponder life.

George is dying. Tinkers compiles his thoughts and memories during the eight days before his death. The language is lyrical and, therefore, quite the opposite kind of book that won the same prize in 2009. The reader must think to read this; it is a short but challenging exercise for the mind and the soul. The writing grabbed me so fiercely that often I lingered on one page for a many minutes before feeling I could turn the page.

As George wrestles with the last of his life, he has some sentimental moments:

"When his grandchildren had been little, they had asked if they could hide inside the clock. Now he wanted to gather them and open himself up and hide them among his ribs and faintly ticking heart. When he realized that the silence by which he had been confused was that of all of his clocks having been allowed to wind down, he understood that he was going to die in the bed where he lay."

And as death looms, George has some very honest moments:

"...I will remain a set of impressions porous and open to combination with all of the other vitreous squares floating about in whoever else's frames, because there is always the space left in reserve for the rest of their own time, and to my great-grandchildren, with more space than tiles, I will be no more than the smoky arrangement of a set of rumors, and to their great-grandcildren I will be no more than a tint of some obscure color, and to their great grandchildren nothing they every know about, and so what army of strangers and ghosts has shaped and colored me until back to Adam, until back to when ribs were blown from molten sand into the glass bits that took up the light of this world because they were made from this world..."

It was interesting to read interviews with Harding, who studied under Marilynne Robinson at the Iowa Writers' Workshop. Her fingerprints are all over his writing. He also wrote portions the novel (his first, by the way), in an unusual manner. This kind of writing talent astonishes me, and I'm grateful that I get to reap the benefits of such a gift. For $5.99, you should, too.

*Disclosure: I am embarrassed to say that I have an exception to my Pulitzer-Prize-books-are-some-of-the-best rule. This summer I read this book, which won the coveted award in 2008. I hated it. I tried hard to make myself like it, but I just couldn't. You won't see a review on it here because I have nothing good to say about it. If you read it and have something nice to say, please let me know what was good about it so that I can figure out what is wrong with me.

Summer Reading Highlights

2010-11-05T10:31:00.000-04:00

I hope the lazy days of summer found you surrounded by books. Here are summaries of some great ones I read during those hot months.

Home, by Marilynne Robinson - This one gets five, no make it ten, stars. A gorgeously constructed companion to Robinson's Pulitzer Prize-winning Gilead, Home is the story of a wayward son who cautiously attempts reconciliation with the family he left decades earlier. The writing is just breathtakingly beautiful, and the plot is one that is easily grasped. Home addresses forgiveness, judgement, prejudice, history, and religion, but the overarching theme is that of grace withheld. My God-phobic friends will enjoy this, despite the repeated religious references. Read it, and search your soul for the person from whom you are withholding grace. This one had a profound impact on me.

The Power of One, by Bruce Courtenay- My family has been raving about this movie for over ten years, so when I saw it in the Classics section of my used bookstore, I grabbed it. The Power of One is set in South Africa in the 1940's. It attacks prejudice head-on and shows how just one person can make an enormous difference in the midst of cultural practices that seems insurmountable. The book was significantly better than the movie, but the music in the movie was so good that it is worth seeing the movie as well.

Sarah's Key, by Tatiana de Rosnay- This has spent some time on the New York Times' Bestseller List, and after reading it, I know why. The writing is, well, marginal. However, the story is one that needs to be read. Sarah's Key tells the story of the persecution of Jews in Paris, focusing on the raid in which Paris police ripped Jewish families from their homes, separated parents from their children, and sent them all off to concentration camps. This historical event is one that is not well known, but should be.

Lit, A Memoir, by Mary Karr - This one knocked my reading glasses off. Mary Karr's retelling of her journey into alcoholism, divorce, and motherhood is in astonishing account of self-reflection. Her writing is superb, and it should be; she is an award winning poet. I loved Glass Castle, but this was so much better. It is not a pretty or clean story. It is a look into someone who assess her life with brutal honesty, something that we don't see very much in our culture. The story becomes even more beautiful as she describes how her life is turned around. I highly recommend this one.

The China Study, by T. Colin Campbell - It's a long story as to how I ended up reading nutrition books this summer. Suffice it to say that this one was the best of the stack. The China Study is the compilation of one man's work over an entire career that shows how a vegan diet is the very best way for humans to eat. It had such an impact on me that I am now eating and cooking only plants. Many of my extended family members read it and have followed in my vegetable-loving footsteps. I'm not here to try to convince you to walk over to the dark side of vegan, but if you are worried about any kind of health issues, this is the book to read.

More reviews coming soon, I promise.

Civil Thoughts is Guest Posting...

2010-05-22T19:08:00.002-04:00

...here. The topic? Gender bias in STEM fields.

A Slew of Short and Simple Summaries

2010-05-02T21:57:00.008-04:00

I'm behind on sharing my book thoughts. Very behind. Because I don't want to hold back on the good reads I've recently found, I'm going to share my recent book thoughts simply and, as always, civilly.

Push, by Sapphire- This tragic story is about Precious, a young girl born into an unimaginably horrific family. She realizes that the only hope of escaping the horror of that family lies in a single goal: to learn to read. This is an unbelievably sad story, but one that so accurately portrays the essential role that literacy plays in every human being's life. Even though I liked the movie better than the book, the movie spent more time on the horror of the family; the book emphasized the importance of reading. For that reason, read the book first if this plot interests you.

Blame, by Michelle Huneven - Oh, how I adore this one. A recent winner of the National Book Critics Circle Award, Blame is the story of a brilliant and accomplished woman who is convicted of killing a mother and daughter while driving drunk. The novel chronicles her time in prison and how she copes with living life as a killer of two innocent people. I thought this book had to have the longest denouement ever, until I realized that I hadn't reached it's climax yet. The high point of the novel is stunning. This is, by far, my favorite so far in 2010.

Lark and Termite, by Jayne Anne Phillips - Another National Book Critics Circle Award winner, this one is also outstanding. It is the story of a girl, Lark, and her mentally disabled brother, Termite. Lark and Termite are sent to live in West Virginia with their aunt, who raises them. The best part of this novel is that several of the chapters are written from the perspective of Termite. The author wrote those chapters in such a way that the reader gets a glimpse into the mind of a mentally disabled individual. These chapters were remarkable. A very worthwhile read.

Little Bee, by Chris Cleave - Breathtaking. The setting is England, and the author writes like the Brit that he is. This voice gave a refreshing tone to the novel, one that I haven't found in a while. The story is about Little Bee, a young woman who escapes her war-torn Nigeria for England. When she arrives, she is immediately imprisoned in a detention center for two years. She is then accidentally released without papers and flees to the only people in England she knows. Those people happen to be the husband and wife who inadvertently met her while vacationing in her war torn land. This one is powerful and will get the wheels of your brain turning on the currently hot topic of immigration reform.

Davita's Harp, by Chaim Potok - Potok is one of my favorites. He writes about the Jewish community in Brooklyn with such intensity. Davita's Harp is no exception. This is a coming of age story in which Davita grows up in the midst of the 1930's and 1940's with a Christian father and a Jewish mother, both of whom have renounced their faith. Davita finds great comfort in the study of the Jewish religion and yet grapples with what she sees as its inconsistencies. This book is remarkable in that the voice of Davita changes throughout the book because Potok constructed it so that the writing parallels her maturation process. Brilliantly done. I love this one. If you are unfamiliar with Potok, familiarize yourself, pronto. Everything he writes is wonderful. Davita's Harp was written in the mid 1980's; I found it at the used bookstore for $2.99. Or, get yourself to the library and read Potok for free.

Glass Castle, by Jeanette Walls - Oh, mercy. This is QUITE a story. It is a true story of the author's life with parents who decided to raise their children in a most unconventional way. You will constantly be wondering whether or not these parents were creative, smart, neglectful, narcissistic, or all of the above. The shock of the book is in the story itself. It is an easy read, and I guarantee that you will not be able to put it down. I liked it better than Half Broke Horses, which I read at the beginning of the year and is Walls' prequel, if you will, to Glass Castle.

Possessed: Adventures with Russian Books and the People Who Read Them, by Elif Batuman - I seem to have accidentally fallen into an intense love with Russian novels and, for the life of me, I can't tell you why. Elif Batuman would tell me that my love is rooted in the fact that Russian authors articulate life better than any other ethnicity of authors on the planet. Possessed is a hilarious account of Batuman's experiences with studying Russian literature. If you are drawn to the likes of Tolstoy and Dostoevsky, this is a must read for you. However, save it for a quiet, rainy day. This one is not for easy, summer beach reading.

There you have it. Feel free to ask me plot questions if you need more information about whether or not to read one of these. I'm off to do some reading on the beach. Hopefully some longer summaries will return with me.

Happy reading!

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, by Michael Chabon

2010-03-29T22:45:00.000-04:00

I first heard about Michael Chabon's writing from his wife while I was on the treadmill at the gym. She was narrating her book, Bad Mother, through my ear pods. Ayelet Waldman's description of her husband's involvement in helping her parent their four children as he churned out novel after novel seemed endearing, if not inspiring. So, off I went to hunt down some Michael Chabon. He won the Pulitzer in 2001 for The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay. That title was not to be found at the used bookstore, but The Mysteries of Pittsburgh was. It was $2.99. The Mysteries of Pittsburgh was Chabon's first book, written at the age of 21.

The Mysteries of Pittsburgh is about Arthur Bechstein as he toys with becoming an adult during a summer break from college. The novel profiles his difficult relationship with his father, who is in the Mafia, and it describes the love he feels for Phlox, who is his girlfriend. As he drenches himself in Phlox's affections, he finds himself questioning his sexuality. The focus of that identity question centers around his friend, who also happens to be named Arthur.

The part of me that is enamored by the talent of the novelist is simply floored at the achievement of this novel written at such a young age. The human part of me wasn't all that enamored. The writing is excellent. The plot is a little eccentric, and because of that, it reminded me of a Quentin Tarantino movie. The story is a fairly accurate portrayal of my generation. The picture was not pretty for me, all laid out there in black and white. Oblivious to the enormity of their self-centeredness, Arthur and his friends live in the present without regard for the past or the future. At the beginning of the novel, Arthur says this:

"I smoked and looked down at the bottom of Pittsburgh for a little while, watching the kids playing tiny baseball, the distant figures of dogs snatching at a little passing car, a miniature housewife on her back porch shaking out a snippet of red rug, and I made a sudden, frightened vow never to become that small, and to devote myself to getting bigger and bigger and bigger."

That vow is made at the beginning of the novel. The vow is not rooted in anything except being momentarily inspired. The inspiration does not propel Arthur to do anything "big". It's that kind of thing that seems to be a repeating theme with my generation; get inspired and then do nothing with the inspiration. Of course, I'm not saying that everyone in my generation fulfills this stereotype, but it's out there. Is this stereotype typical of 22 year olds in all generations? I think not. My grandfather was commanding a World War II Navy ship at that same age. His daughter was financially supporting her husband while he attended college at that same age. His granddaughter (me) was, at 22, not doing anything nearly as magnanimous as commanding a Navy ship or putting someone through college. I might be on to something here. And Michael Chabon might agree with me.

While this wasn't a life-changing, keep-me-up-all-night novel, it fulfilled its purpose. Any time a book causes me to stop and think, it is a good thing. You can be sure that I'll be watching the used bookstore for some more Michael Chabon.

An Open Letter to My Former High School English Teachers Regarding Crime and Punishment, by Fyodor Dostoyevsky

2010-03-29T18:32:00.007-04:00

Dear Mr. Sharpe, Mr. Mohan, and Mrs. Balaban,

How are you doing? Remember me? Maybe not. Nevertheless, I loved having you as my high school English teachers, but I need to bring a matter to your attention. Once I do this, I will feel as if I've made a small, but important, contribution to society.

The matter is regarding the assignment - actually lack thereof - of Crime and Punishment. None of you assigned the reading of this novel in any of the English classes I attended. My question is this: What were you thinking?

Full of intrigue, mystery, murder, prostitution, gender bias, history, and romance, this novel is chock full of the stuff teenagers love. Dostoyevsky is clean in the way he unfolds these dramatic themes. Imagine that! Much cleaner than, say, Toni Morrison's Song of Solomon, which we read and analyzed in detail. As you well know from your many years of teaching literature, the Tolstoy-esque details are absent from Crime and Punishment. The novel is extremely accessible to even the high school level reader.

What is also shocking about the fact that you didn't have us read Crime and Punishment is the sheer volume of moral lessons present in the book. We could have had some really heated debates about whether or not Raskolnikov was forced to commit his crime or not. My classmates would have relished such a discussion!

Truly, though, the most disturbing part of not reading this novel until my 39th year of life is that my brain (and heart) missed the quality of his writing, and specifically, on his masterful use of dialogue to develop plot. Consider, for example, the following:

"Principles! You're always standing on your principles as if they were stilts. You won't move on your own feet."

And then later:

"I didn't kill a human being! I killed a principle!"

What high school student wouldn't love to ponder this statement as he or she is contemplating the future:

"You see, Rodia, it's my considered opinion that all you have to do to make your way in the world is the right thing at the right time."

I'll give you all the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps one of you assumed that the other was going to cover the novel in a later class. Hopefully in the past 25 years you have worked out those kinks and you are not withholding the gift of this novel from your beloved students.

I know you are holding your breath, worried that I'm holding this against you. Really, I'm not. I'm just glad that I can read Crime and Punishment now. It's unfortunate, because I like the book so much that I'd really enjoy writing a paper on it at 39 years of age. However, you can bet your bottom grammar text that I'm going to make sure that all of my friends' English teachers made them read this book, because I wouldn't want them to miss out on what is, by far, one of the greatest novels in existence.

Respectfully yours,

Staci

The History of the Medieval World, by Susan Wise Bauer

2010-03-05T10:39:00.004-05:00

This book is nothing short of a masterpiece.

I have been following Susan Wise Bauer and her writing for many years. The Well-Trained Mind is the foundation of the academic pursuits of my four children. The Well-Educated Mind saved my sanity as I coped with leaving my career for motherhood. The four volumes of The Story of the World series have made history one of the most exciting topics in our household.

About seven years ago, I heard Bauer give a lecture and I remember her saying, “History isn’t a subject. It is THE subject.” That sentiment may have led her to embark on the mammoth task of writing the history of the entire world in narrative form. The first volume, The History of the Ancient World: From the Earliest Accounts to the Fall of Rome, made me a better teacher of ancient history. I recently finished the second volume of the series, The History of the Medieval World: From the Conversion of Constantine to the First Crusade. I’ve been working on it since November, as I was allowed access to an online copy in exchange for a review on my blog.

Bauer begins her story of medieval times with Constantine’s Christianity and she ends with the Crusades of Christianity. The middle includes the stories of the Romans, the Ostrogoths, and the Vikings, among others. Throughout the 746-page narrative the reader is provided beautifully constructed maps that clearly show the boundaries of the various empires and therefore aid in the understanding of the historical events. The end of each chapter has a vertical timeline that summarizes the major events in the current chapter compared to the events in the previous chapter. This is a gift to the reader, as the timelines show what was occurring in one empire as compared to what was occurring in another empire. Illustrations included also enhance the reading and understanding of the history. The notes at the bottom of many of the pages provide explanatory notes that are delightfully different from the normal history text explanatory notes.

As well done as the technical details are, it is the masterful telling of history as a story that makes the book so remarkable. Bauer explains why the accounts of a certain event may not be as accurate as they should be by listing a historian’s possible bias and how that would affect the accounting of that event. As I read, I felt as if I was sitting in a history class with a most exciting professor. The writing is interesting, informative, and conversational. In the chapter on Japan between 884 and 940 Bauer explains, “Yozei was never imprisoned; his psychopathy took an occasional downward turn (he was reputedly responsible for at least two murders), but he seems to have been allowed to roam through the mountains on horseback, hunting and sleeping out and sometimes appearing without warning at the gates of one or another great landowner, demanding to be let in.” Bauer does not just give textbook-like facts; she provides reasons for why events occurred or men ruled: “This was exactly why he had appointed a pope who was both German and a blood relation.” And whether the medieval times were really funny or Bauer just chose to include all of the humorous events, the book has some downright hilarious parts, in a dark sort of way. Did you know that Maximinus Daia drank poison to kill himself, but it took four agonizingly painful days to die because he ate an enormous last meal right before he swallowed the poison?

I simply cannot fathom how Bauer possibly summarized the events of an entire historical period in a manner that is easy to understand and interesting at the same time. I had a sorry excuse for a history education in public school, and because of my college major, I did not have one single history class during my university studies. This history series has made the facts of my own history less regrettable because I am learning THE subject, and it is THE subject that helps me to understand not just the past, but also the present.

Everything Matters!, by Ron Currie, Jr.

2010-02-25T17:25:00.007-05:00

This week I read The Total Mom Makeover for the second time because the promise of this mom being "made over" is just too tempting to resist since it didn't work the first time around (and no, not that kind of makeover). Hannah Keeley, the author who has now told me how to have The Total Mom Makeover twice, says this: “I have spent many hours lying awake at night wondering how I would get the kids evacuated if a huge meteor ever struck the earth…Irrational? Of course it is. But that does not make the threats feel any less real.” The real possibility of a meteor obliterating mankind is exactly what Ron Currie, Jr. addresses in Everything Matters!. Read this novel and you’ll be contacting The Total Mom Makeover guru to ask if she’ll share her Meteor-Hitting-the-Earth-Evacuation-Plan when she writes her next book.

Everything Matters! is a story about Junior. A name so nondescript hints to the reader that this will be no ordinary book. Junior learns the date that the world is going to be destroyed by a meteor while in his mother’s womb. He lives his life with a “voice” that gives him vital information about his life, the lives of his loved ones, and the impending doom of the earth. This voice also provides inside information that helps him understand that he is not crazy; the world really is going to be blown to pieces when he is 36 years old. The government eventually realizes that the meteor is on its way and they use Junior to help them come up with a solution to the problem, which involves escaping Earth. When the problem of the meteor is announced, many people don’t believe it is going to happen. While dealing with a problem of this magnitude, Junior deals with an alcoholic mother, the cancer of his father, the mental disability of his baseball star brother, and the intense love he has for his one and only girlfriend, Amy.

I know, I know. You are thinking that this plot belongs on the science fiction channel and you want no part of it. Think again.

I liked this book. While the reading is not complicated, the issue it explores is important and profound. Currie contrasts the mundane with the ordinary to make the point of the novel; when death is impending, we still have to deal with everyday life. Everything does matter because our time is limited. The tendency in reading this book is to brush it off as fantasy, science fiction, or just a story that does not apply to us. But it is not really all that far removed from what every human being faces every single day. Each day and hour and minute we are closer to death. The only difference between Junior and us is that we don’t know the date or time. We know we are going to die. But do we believe it? Do we live like death is a sure thing? Do we live as if we are dying? In general, I think most of us live like we are going to live forever. Consider one of Junior's thoughts: “As I’m paying I wonder at how we cling so relentlessly to the little conventions like commerce, as though they can save us. What’s the point of tallying up the total expense of my avocados and twelve-grain bread, with the end just over a year away? The point, please, of this dutiful exchange of goods and currency? People all over the world are still giving their homes a fresh coat of paint and making weekly deposits into retirements accounts. Having babies at a record pace. God help us.” In Everything Matters! the people of the world know that the world is going to end, and yet they don’t act as if they believe it. The knowledge of the day they will die does not change the way they live.

I have similar knowledge. I know I am going to die one day. But do I live as I believe that? The book did not instill a spirit of fear, but it did help me to pause and reflect on just what is important in my life. Just how differently would I act if I knew my life would end in five years, in one year, in one day, or in the next hour? It is a sobering question to ask oneself. The question brought to mind this quote from Jonathan Edwards: “Resolved, never to do anything which I should be afraid to do if it were the last hour of my life.” May this thought affect change in the way I live my life, and may it affect change in yours as well.

Joshua Ferris on Negative Reviews of The Unnamed

2010-02-03T09:39:00.003-05:00

Thanks, Abby, for this link. It is Joshua Ferris' response to the less than favorable reviews he has been getting on The Unnamed, including The New York Times review that I referenced here.

A Short History of Women: A Novel, by Kate Walbert

2010-02-02T20:36:00.005-05:00

I am supposed to like this novel. I am a woman, for one thing. I am a woman living in modern times, for another. I am a reader that prefers harder-to-read historical fiction over the ever-so-popular vampire books. I should like this book. I didn't.

A Short History of Women: A Novel looks at several women as the feminist movement evolved over the last century. Dorothy Townsend starves herself to death (literally) for women's suffrage. The women in her family are then portrayed in separate chapters as the author shows how they cope with being a woman in their own era. She does not do this chronologically, but jumps from the early 1900's to 2004 and then to the 1950's and then back to the early 1900's. This jumping, combined with the fact that Walbert gives the women extremely similar names, makes it difficult to keep track of whose story she is telling. It is confusing.

I'm all about persevering through hard books. After all, I kept a running list of all of the names in Anna Karenina. Tolstoy captivated me from the first page. A Short History of Women starts out with Dorothy Townsend (the suffragist) starving herself on purpose and leaving her children parent-less because "there was nothing else" she could do. This scene was strangely not captivating or motivating to me. I had to force myself to keep reading and I certainly felt no need to take notes.

I struggle with who I am supposed to be. Is it wife? Is it mother? Is it career woman? Is it housekeeper? Should I be outspoken? Should I be quiet? Should I like football? Should I stick to knitting? Am I a feminist? Am I not a feminist? Most days I think I am supposed to be all of the above, at the same time. Mentally, that's a rough place to be. I was hoping that this book would address the fact that our culture expects more from women while much of the culture still sees women as less. Ironic, isn't it? I'm on a quest to find a novel that addresses this irony well. If I don't find that novel, I'll just have a chat with my mother, who balanced all of these issues better than anyone else I know. And if remembering that fact was the only reason I read this book, the read was worth it.

The Unnamed, by Joshua Ferris

2010-01-25T19:39:00.005-05:00

Nearly 20 years ago I experienced the Sunday edition of The New York Times for the first time. I will never forget it. The primary cover story was about the Supreme Court and the Opinion section ran a Peggy Noonan column. While my consistency of reading The Times has ebbed and flowed with the duties of life, my enthusiasm for the publication has never waned. When I have the time, I always find the Book Review section first. I am awestruck with the reviewers, and have put them on a pedestal with the understanding that I would never be fit to ask them the time of day, let alone disagree with one of their reviews. They are, after all, the ultimate authorities of knowing what makes a book good and what makes a book bad. What follows is a review that goes against every grain of my being for two reasons. The first reason is that I never read a book review on a book that I plan on reviewing. I broke my rule this past Sunday, and I can't say that I regret it. The second reason this review is unnerving is that I'm going to disagree - vehemently - with The Times' review of The Unnamed.

The Unnamed is Joshua Ferris's second book. I am a huge fan of his first novel and couldn't wait to tear into this one. The Unnamed is about Tim Farnsworth, an enormously successful attorney who finds himself with a debilitating condition that causes him to walk. He is unable to keep himself from walking and only stops when his body collapses in complete exhaustion. His walks are described this way: "The path itself was one of peaks and valleys, hot and cold in equal measure, rock, sedge and rush, the coil of barbed wire around a fence post, the wind boom of passing semis, the scantness and the drift." The condition is one that numerous medical professionals are unable to diagnose, despite numerous efforts. They can't even determine if it is an abnormal mental condition that causes him to walk so much. His walking episodes occur randomly, but the ones that occur in the dead of winter throughout the night prove extremely dangerous. He loses some toes and fingers from frostbite, and that is just the beginning. The condition destroys his career, his body, and his mind. It also tests the resolve of his family to remain faithful to him.

Jay McInerney reviewed The Unnamed last Sunday. He didn't like it, though he is a fan of Ferris's first novel. In his review he says, "In fact, it's difficult to believe that The Unnamed and Then We Came to the End came from the same laptop." McInerney doesn't like the fact that this book was so different from Ferris's first. While I would agree that the books are different (this one is dark, the first is hilarious), Ferris beautifully articulates in both novels how people feel when they are dealing with a debilitating illness. He writes about it so well that I can only assume he has watched loved ones deal with similar situations. So, in that regard, the two novels are remarkably similar.

Mr. McInerney says that he does not see the point in The Unnamed: "What does it mean? Tim's affliction might be a metaphor for addiction, for careerism, for any compulsion that drives a man or woman to leave family and community and health behind. A preacher tells Tim near the end of his travels that not everything can be explained by reason - which seems like a mundane lesson for such a grueling course of study." I do not think this book was written primarily as a metaphor for those things at all. The point of the book was to give readers a close look at marriage.

Jane, Tim's wife, tirelessly tries to help him find a cure for his unnamed syndrome. Once it becomes clear that a cure will not be found, she does everything possible to help him cope with the condition so that he stays safe; "She was his support staff and counsel." At great personal cost, she becomes a slave to Tim's condition. Regarding Jane, the narrator tells the reader that, "Anger with God was a tired and useless emotion, anger with God was so terrestrial and neutering. She thought she had arrived at a peaceful negotiation but in fact it was only a dormancy and when her anger at God met her at the end of the drive she was exhausted." Jane is a main character in the book, and my insides were ripped to painful shreds as I watched her choose to sit and watch her husband walk. She struggles with wanting an easier life. Even when Tim tells her to leave and move on, she tries but simply cannot. She worries for Tim, not out of obligation, but out of a self-sacrificial love that is not generally found in the Hollywood story lines that seem to have defined love in our culture.

If Mr. McInerney needs a metaphor, I could read one into this novel. We are all walking, aren't we? Toward something, away from something, but we are all figuratively walking. Ultimately, this book is about marriage (and maybe Mr. McInerney missed this because he isn't married). While the novel is very dark and lacks redemption, it is a thought-provoking and insightful look at how a marriage survives "in sickness" and " for worse". It is a beautifully painted picture of love that goes beyond romance or even duty. If you read it, you'll ask yourself if you have Jane's resolve. You'll ask yourself if you have ever seen someone love like Jane loves. And when you read the following passage from The Unnamed, you may stop and wonder just what marriage is all about.

"They say it takes a long time to really get to know somebody. They say a good marriage requires work. They say it's important to change alongside your partner to avoid growing apart. They talk about patience, sacrifice, compromise, tolerance. It seems the goal of these bearers of conventional wisdom is to get back to zero. They would have you underwater, tethered by chains to the bow of a ship full of treasure now sunk, struggling to free yourself to make it to the surface. With luck he will free himself, too, and then you can bob along together, scanning the horizon for some hint of land. They say boredom sets in, passion dissipates, idiosyncrasies start to grate, and the same problems repeat themselves. Why do you do it? Security, family, companionship. Ideally you do it for love. There's something they don't elaborate on. They just say the word and you're supposed to know what it means, and after twenty years of marriage, you are held up as exemplars of that simple foundation, love, upon which (with sweeping arms) all this is built. But don't let appearances fool you. That couple with twenty years still fights, they still go to bed angry, they still let days pass without --

The trouble with these cheap bromides, she thought, is that they don't capture the half of it."

Columbine, by Dave Cullen

2010-01-19T21:22:00.004-05:00

My summary of the massacres at Columbine High School before reading Columbine: Two boys, named Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, killed a bunch of kids because they were being picked on at school and they were angry about it. They wore trench coats and dressed kind of Goth, and because of that, they were picked on and decided to take revenge.

My summary of the massacres at Columbine High School after Columbine: The only correct part of the above summary is that the boys’ names were Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold.

If you think you know what happened that Tuesday morning in April, 1999, think again. Columbine is an immensely important book, whether you are a parent, an educator, a citizen, or a human being. Dave Cullen is a journalist who began reporting at Columbine High School on the day of the tragedy, and continued to cover the story for the next ten years. This book is the culmination of his meticulous research. While it is tragic that this book had to be written, I am so glad that it was. I never sensed that Cullen was trying to profit financially from the tragedy. Should you choose to read it, you’ll understand immediately that he had one goal in mind: to get the story straight.

Cullen begins the book by setting the scene of the school’s event in the three days preceding the attacks. After the attacks, he explains what is happening with the killers, the victims, their families, the churches, the media, and the law enforcement. He writes in a steady stream of changing focus. At first, I considered this a choppy way to present the facts. I soon realized that this is the only way to present the story; this event was full of so much chaos within the lives of so many individuals that the structure of the book mimics the state of the community in the hours and days and years following the massacres. It also mimics, I would guess, the number of different aspects that Cullen had to address as he covered the story. That said, the book is easy to read, and yet difficult to process. Cullen comprehensively dispels the myths surrounding the killings. And the myths are stunningly abundant. He explains how those myths occurred and why they are not accurate assessments of the facts surrounding the case.

Cullen investigates the motive of Eric and Dylan incredibly well. He was fortunate to spend extensive time with Dwayne Fuselier, an FBI Agent who tirelessly searched for an answer to why the two young men did what they did. The findings are astonishing. He subtly shows incredible compassion for the victims and their families, and while I did not sense compassion for Eric and Dylan, he seemed to handle the revealing of their motive as objectively as a caring human possibly could.

The other stunning thing to read about in Columbine is the cover up that occurred within local law enforcement. Cullen repeatedly shows that the reason the myths surrounding the event have been perpetuated is because the report on the killings did not come out for a year afterwards. Once the facts were released, the public had lost interest and the assumptions that were initially made stuck, even though the report showed that the majority of those assumptions were inaccurate. Cullen also explains that there are facts the public will never know about the behavior of Harris and Klebold because records were destroyed. In another brilliant show of reporting, Cullen explains that, while the detective work regarding the evidence at the school was well done, there were mistakes made that were simply unconscionable. These mistakes, combined with the reaction of the Evangelical Christian community in the aftermath, are all parts of the tragedy about which I was unaware until I read this book.

In his quest to tell the whole story of Columbine, I think Cullen shows that on many levels, there was a great failure to do one thing: listen. Parents weren’t listening to children. Children weren’t listening to parents. Law enforcement wasn’t listening to facts that perhaps could have caught this crime before it occurred. Members of the media weren’t listening to facts. The public wasn’t listening to the media. Many of the Christians weren’t listening to the Bible. And, as any great book does, this one caused me to ask myself an important question about the way I live my life: Do I listen? I hear, but do I really and truly listen? Am I listening to my children? Do I listen to the media? Am I listening to facts? Or am I simply making conclusions based on the preconceived notions that are centered on what I am halfway hearing? I need to listen.

Thank you, Mr. Cullen. I hope more people take up your book and listen.

Decade

2010-01-12T17:57:00.011-05:00

Some of the best stories are in books. Some never make it to the paper pages; they are lived out on the pages of our lives. The best writers find the words to tell the stories that end up in books. Some of us are not the best writers, and so, our stories will remain lived out on the pages of life. But that doesn't mean that these stories aren't worthy to tell.

A decade ago at this very moment (Kazakhstan time), I began to live a really great story. I became a mother for the first time and my oldest daughter became a daughter for the first time. We didn't meet each other in the usual way. We weren't at a hospital. We weren't even in a room with a birth mother and a social worker. We were in a country that most people have never heard of. We were united in an orphanage, full of hundreds of parentless children living in conditions less than favorable. Right there, in the most dire of conditions, began this beautiful story, a story that the best of fiction writers could not write. This child, my daughter, was handed to me. Dressed in a bright yellow sweatshirt and skin covered in scabies, she was seven months old when I met her. At all of ten pounds, she was the size of a newborn though not the age of one. As I set eyes on her for the first time, I was, well, completely overcome. I don't have the words to tell you just how. They don't exist. I wonder what she was thinking as she reached out for my face. I wish I knew.

We survived our six weeks together in Kazakhstan. It was quite the adventure. The adventure is a story in itself, one that some say has been told enough. She had been in Kazakhstan for nine months by the time we left, and while she acclimated to the conditions, her sick little body was giving the signals that it was ready to get away for a while, perhaps forever. By the time we left, I would have done anything for that child.

We arrived home, to throngs of family and friends who doted on her like nothing I'd ever seen. And as we recovered from jet lag and began the long process of reversing the daunting effects of her institutionalization, I threw myself into motherhood like nothing you've ever seen. My friend told me years later that I was a "hobby parent". I had the best of intentions; I was going to be the perfect mother with no mistakes on the agenda.

Of course, as each second passed, I fell more in love with her. I was joyful. Happy. Euphoric. Ecstatic. I had never known love like this. I rejoiced in every move of her finger, in every twitch of her mouth. I swear I watched her so closely that I could see her hair grow. For two and a half years, I did nothing but watch my perfect child and bask in the glory of her being.

And then, life happened. As we all know, life isn't all play. It isn't all fun. I had to get some things done. And so, I realized that I needed to make some changes. Begin a routine. Set some boundaries. Establish some rules. Expect certain behavior. As as I did, my sweet daughter wasn't sure what was happening. She didn't know that life wasn't all play and hugs and laughter when you throw your food off of the high chair. Her initial seven months of life were all about routine and rules and behavior. As she and I tried to get used to a new normal, I quickly learned that I had made a motherload of mistakes.

And as we navigated our new waters, something happened. This child would try to learn the new thing, I would correct her, she would try her best, I would correct her again and so the cycle would go. The poor girl. I was messing up. And each time I messed up, she would forgive me. She would love me even though I wasn't very lovable, even though I was changing the rules on her. This pattern of me changing the rules and her giving me another chance to get it right would continue for some time. A decade, in fact.

I still haven't gotten this mothering thing down. I screw up every day. And when I do, she is right there, ready to forgive, ready to love unconditionally, ready to give me another chance. Wait. Wasn't it my job to teach her unconditional love? Wasn't that what I, the parent, was supposed to do for her, the child? Oh, the surprises life brings. My daughter has taught me what it feels like to be loved unconditionally. She has taught me that I am loved in spite of my failings. She has modeled what I am supposed to be modeling to her. She has given me a decade of the gift called Grace.

And so, as I reflect and cry copious volumes of tears in gratitude and joy, I write this story because tomorrow night we will celebrate a decade together. And as we celebrate, the emotions will keep me from verbalizing just how much she is loved and what a gift she is. A gift completely undeserved by me. Grace.

To those of you who watched the adventure, thanks for being there through it all. And to John and Mom, who were there at the beginning, thanks for walking this road with me. I couldn't have done it without you.

Happy Gotcha Day, CPT. Your mom loves you more than words can say.

Resolved...

2010-01-05T21:26:00.007-05:00

...to read the following books in 2010:

Fiction:

Everything Matters, by Ron Currie, Jr….because I promised I would.

Half Broke Horses: A True-Life Novel, by Jeannette Walls…because it is one of The New York Times Book Review’s 10 Best Books of 2009.

A Short History of Women, by Kate Walbert…because I am immensely interested how women navigate the responsibilities they have faced over time.

Chronic City, by Jonathan Lethem…because I love books that are set in New York City.

A Gate at the Stairs, by Lorrie Moore…because adoption is a primary theme and I’m curious.

Diary of a Provincial Lady, by E. M. Delafield…because it is fun to read about a character of whom I am the polar opposite.

The Unit, by Ninni Holmqvist…because the themes of morality appear to loom large.

Mysteries of Pittsburgh: A Novel (P.S.)...because I love his wife's writing, I figured I'd check him out.

The Road, by Cormac McCarthy...because this guy told me to.

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, by Junot Diaz...because it won the Pulitzer Prize for fiction a few years ago.

A Happy Marriage: A Novel, by Rafael Yglesias... because I read about this book in July and have not forgotten about it.

Classics:

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy…because I loved Anna and I didn’t read it in High School.

Madame Bovary, by Gustave Flaubert...because it is a short classic and it is on my bookshelf.

The Lord of the Rings, by J. R. R. Tolkien...because I should, even though I don't want to.

Non-fiction:

The History of the Medieval World, by Susan Wise Bauer…because she is my hero and I get to read it before it comes out as long as I promise to read it and write the review by February 22^nd.

The Good Soldiers, by David Finkel…because I’m worried that my generation simply doesn’t get war.

Columbine, by Dave Cullen…because it was at the library and because I think I should.

Biographies/Memoirs:

Herbert Hoover: The American Presidents Series: The 31st President, 1929-1933, by William E. Leuchtenburg...because he was an engineer.

The Glass Castle, by Jeannette Walls…because my mother told me to.

Ayn Rand and World She Made, by Anne C. Heller…because my husband is still working on Atlas Shrugged.

Flannery: A Life of Flannery O’Connor, by Brad Gooch…because I finally listened to my sister-in-law regarding O’Connor’s writing.

Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln, by Doris Kearns Goodwin...because everyone loves it.

On Education:

Lost in the Meritocracy: The Undereducation of an Overachiever, by Walter Kirn…because I want to read some books on education this year.

Lighting Their Fires: Raising Extraordinary Children in a Mixed-up, Muddled-up, Shook-up World, by Rafe Esquith...because this guy is inspiring.

On Writing:

Raymond Carver: A Writer’s Life, by Carol Sklenicka…because I want to read about writing this year.

On Religion:

Surprised by Hope: Rethinking Heaven, the Resurrection, and the Mission of the Church, by N. T. Wright...because I hear it is an easy read .

Celebration of Discipline, by Richard J. Foster...because I've not read it and I should have a long time ago.

That's it, so far. I'll be adding to this as the year progresses, but these are my must reads for the year. I'd love to see YOUR lists and hear YOUR recommendations for 2010. Happy reading...

Civil Thoughts Top Ten List of 2009

2009-12-29T13:41:00.007-05:00

As I write this post I am driving past Tifton, Georgia. Their billboards tell me that Tifton is the reading capital of the world. Because I'm driving in a minivan with a husband, four children, a dog, and two car carriers on the roof of the minivan, I'm not going to stop and investigate their claim. I do know that, while this blog is certainly not the reading captial of cyberworld, I've loved writing it this year. It has received little attention in recent months, as I found the opportunity to do some real freelance writing. I hope to do a better juggling act in 2010. Nonetheless, my experiment worked. I did manage to read my 52 books and then some; I just didn't write about all of them. The best hours of my year had to do with books in some way, shape, or form. Most were great. A few were really awful. Here is my list of the ten (out of around 60) best novels I read in 2009.

Favorite Book #10 - Then We Came to the End, by Joshua Ferris, is the most brilliantly humorous writing I've ever encountered. A realistic portrayal of an office environment, this is a must read for anyone who has spent time in corporate America.

Favorite Book #9 - Abide With Me, by Elizabeth Strout, is the story of a small church, a pastor, and his congregants. It was breathtakingly convicting to me on many levels, and will be the same even to my non-church going readers. My friend Ruth Anne told me about this one and I'm so glad she did, otherwise I would never have picked it up.

Favorite Book #8 - Revolutionary Road, by Richard Yates, is stunning in that it was written by a man about a woman's life in suburban America before women's rights came to the forefront of current events. This one is dark and twisty, but oh so well done. Skip the movie and go straight to the book.

Favorite Book #7 - March, by Geraldine Brooks, was the Pulitzer Prize winner in 2006. This short gem takes the charcter of Mr. March from Louisa May Alcott's classic Little Women and explains his experiences as a chaplain during the Civil War. A poignant commentary on slavery and suffering, March is a must read even if you aren't a fan of Little Women.

Favorite Book #6 - The Bluest Eye, by Toni Morrison, is a look at a young black girl and how she views herself in light of the way the world views her. The language of this book still haunts me nine months after reading it.

Favorite Book #5 - The Help, by Kathryn Stockett, is the best story I read this year. The story of black women working for white women in Jackson, Mississippi, these characters will stay with you long after you've read the last page. You'll cheer for the protagonists and despise the villains.

Favorite Book #4 - A Sudden Country, by Karen Fisher, contains some of the most beautiful prose I've ever read. This book is not easy to read, but if you stick with it, you'll realize what a gift it is. It is the story of a woman traveling in a wagon train during the 1800's and is based on the journals of real people.

Favorite Book #3 - Gilead, by Marilynne Robinson, is a novel that my friend Abby sent to me and I will forever be grateful. It the story of John Ames at the end of his life, told in the form of letters he is writing to his young son. This one will take your breath away.

Favorite Book #2 - Olive Kitteridge, by Elizabeth Strout, will forever remain on my list of all time favorite books. Olive Kitteridge deals with the reality of human life. There is no fantasy in this novel; she writes about the real things that we deal with every day. It was the realism that I loved when I read this one.

And...the best book I read in 2009 is The Elegance of the Hedgehog by Muriel Barbery. I tear up when I think about this book. It is so incredible. It is an amazing story about two unlikely friends with stunningly gorgeous writing. The book starts slowly, so if you decide to pick it up, be sure to stick with it. It will be worth it in the end (Are you listening, Mom?) and it will inspire you to find beauty in the every day. This one has the potential to make a difference in your life. By far, this was my favorite book of the year.

Happy New Year and may your 2010 be full of reading!

A Scandalous Freedom by Steve Brown - Book Review #18

2009-11-21T10:47:00.006-05:00

Steve Brown, in certain circles, is a pretty famous man. He is speaking at my church tomorrow, which is quite exciting for me. I'm therefore breaking my rule of not reviewing theological books on this blog. What follows is a review of the book that he will be discussing tomorrow. And since he writes about freedom in this book, he has convinced me that I'm free to break my own rules.

A Scandalous Freedom by Steve Brown lives up to its name. Immensely conversational in tone, this book explains the difference between religion and Christianity. Throughout eleven chapters, Steve Brown shows how Christians have turned a free life into one that is prison-like by being religious instead of by living according to the Gospel.

I have the privilege of hearing this man's teaching every Sunday, and because of that teaching, much of A Scandalous Freedom was not necessarily scandalous for me. However, if you, a Christian, find yourself exhausted by the rules that you find yourself enslaved to as you seek to live out the tenets of the faith, this book is for you. If you, who do not subscribe to Christianity, are disgusted by what you know of this faith and are interested in reading a summary of the faith that accurately describes how Christians truly should be living, I encourage you to read it.

One of the things I thoroughly enjoyed about this book was the conversational nature of it. Steve Brown's voice is, well, immensely distinctive. Brown is on the radio every day, so when I was reading the book, I felt like he was simply talking to me and I was responding to him. That's never happened before when I've read a book. If you know Brown's voice, you'll know what I'm talking about.

Another aspect of the book that is different from many Christian theology books is that he does not include Scripture reference locations within the text. He quotes Scripture, but he footnotes the locations in the back of the book. This adds to the conversational tone of the book.

My favorite chapter is titled "The Perfection We Desire and the Forgiveness that Sets Us Free". I need this chapter. Where has it been all my life? Specifically, I need it for my *ahem* parenting techniques. Even though the chapter was not written directly to parents, it was a reminder that, as I seek to help my children obey and behave and well, let's face it, become perfect, I may just be pushing them away from Christ. The chapter was a reminder that showing my kids the love of Christ is the very best way to show them how to obey and behave. And in the pursuit of finding genuineness and vulnerability among Christians, that same chapter makes this statement: "You greatly diminish your freedom when you pretend to others that you are accomplishing perfection."

I highly encourage you to read this book, whether you love Christianity or hate it. You'll walk away changed, or at least feeling free. And if you don't want to read it, show up at my church tomorrow and listen to Steve Brown talk about it in person.

A Scandalous Freedom offers many stories to make his point, along with the poignant one-liners for which Brown is so well known. And because of this, the book does what so often theological books fail to do. A Scandalous Freedom shows us how to live the theology we say we believe.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett - Book Review #17

2009-10-18T18:30:00.000-04:00

Time has diminished the mentally painful discussion of wombs and women who drive at night. With a full bucket, I now get to tell you about a book that is nothing short of remarkable. And let me tell you, this book will go a lot further toward changing the world than filling up people's "buckets" with words. I read all 444 pages of this novel in two days without neglecting any of my duties. I would hate for any of you to wait for it to come out in paperback. Hardback is worth it, my friends. The bookstores display it as soon as you walk through the door for $24; Amazon sells it for $13.

The Help, by Kathryn Stockett, is set in Jackson, Mississippi in the 1960s. It is the story of a young white woman named Miss Skeeter who decides to compile true accounts of how black maids (The Help) were treated by their white employers at the height of the Civil Rights Movement. Miss Skeeter enlists the help of Aibileen and Minny, best friends who support each other through the less than ideal events of their lives as The Help. When Miss Skeeter decides to put these accounts into a book, it is for her own advancement; she is a writer and with no husband in sight she thinks she has to do something with her time. In the dark of night, Miss Skeeter sits in Aibileen's house and writes down the stories of many of Jackson's Help exactly as they recount them. As she hears the stories of these brave and fearful women, details unfold that are shocking. As Miss Skeeter says, "There is undisguised hate for white women, there is inexplicable love." Miss Skeeter's motives for writing the book change and when the book is published and read by the white women of Jackson, things really change. The redemptive conclusion will have you cheering out loud.

Stockett changes voices throughout the book. A few chapters are written from Miss Skeeter's point of view, and then she changes to writing in Minny and Aibileen's voices. The beautiful accomplishment of these transitions is one of the most magnificent aspects of the book. During interviews about the book, Stockett does not claim to completely understand the voice of The Help in Jackson. However, having grown up in Jackson with "Help", her understanding of their plight and their emotions must come remarkably close.

One of the things that struck me as I read repeated accounts of just how hard The Help worked is how incompetent the white women were in running their households. Their Help was not only cooking, cleaning, and managing homes, they were raising the children of Jackson. In some of the most breathtaking parts of the novel, Aibileen tries very hard to teach Mae Mobely, the daughter of the woman for whom she works, that we are all created equal. Aibileen assumes that Mae Mobely will follow in the footsteps of her bigoted mother, but tries nonetheless to instill morals into the children she is raising.

Miss Hilly is the villain of the novel. Stockett, in a brilliantly genteel, Southern manner, made me despise her. Miss Hilly does many horrible things throughout the novel. One of her primary purposes in life is to have every white household make a separate bathroom for their Help. Miss Hilly thought it was a sin to share a bathroom with a black woman. This way of thinking is so horrific to me. It is stunning to think that attitude was prevalent only 40 years ago. At one point during a toilet discussion, Miss Hilly assumes that Aibileen would not want to go to school with white people. Aibileen replies, "No ma'am...Not a school full a just white people. But where the colored and white folks is together." Miss Hilly says, "But Aibileen...colored people and white people are just so...different." Then the author tells us what Aibileen is thinking but doesn't dare say: "I feel my lip curling. A course we different! Everybody know colored people and white people ain't the same. We still just people!"

There are incredibly funny parts of this book. The foreshadowing Stockett employs is stunning. If I were putting this book on a list, I'd put it towards the top of the list titled, "The Best Fiction Books that Could Change the World". It isn't Anna Karenina good. It isn't Elegance of the Hedgehog good. It's change-the-world-for-good good. Buy this one. Read this one. Tell everyone you know about this one.

And the winner is...

2009-10-08T23:06:00.001-04:00

Amy, who suggested that I read and review Everything Matters. Congratulations!

More book give-aways are coming!

Staci

How Full is Your Bucket? - Book Review #16

2009-10-04T22:27:00.000-04:00

The friend who sent me this book oozes happiness and positive energy. She sent it to me in April. I'm just getting around to writing about it because Mr. Civil Thoughts absconded with it. It seems that he decided to send a copy of it to his each of his staff people. I keep waiting for our copy to show up again, but it hasn't. Trying to be positive, I'm going to go ahead and write about it from memory.

How Full is Your Bucket?, by Tom Rath and Donald Clifton, is a reminder to all of us that we should be positive during our interactions with others. The premise of the book is that the more we fill others' buckets with positive words of affirmation and attitude, the more our own happiness buckets will be filled. That premise, in my mind, is somewhat debatable. Whether you agree or not, we can all be reminded that edifying words to our co-workers, spouse, friends, children, neighbors, mailmen, and customer service reps go a long way in improving our relationships with others. This book is great encouragement to repair communications with the difficult people in your life, and the authors make the solution sound so simple. It isn't earth-shattering stuff, but a good reminder nonetheless.

P.S. Please note that I'm easing into these reviews slowly. Small book = small post.

I Come Bearing Gifts.

2009-10-04T21:36:00.003-04:00

Dear Faithful Readers (all 7 of you),

I owe you an explanation for my lack of posts. What I'm really giving you is an excuse. While I've still been cutting the same number of sandwich crusts, I've added some other writing to my daily schedule. And because this added writing involves deadlines, this blog becomes the very last priority in my day. Reading, of course, is still up there on the high priority list. I just haven't been able to write about my books while I have been learning to manage crusts and deadlines.

To let you know just how sorry I am, I'm giving away an apology book. Because apologies are on my mind, and because I'm about to tell you about a woman named Olive who should have apologized more, I'm going to give away a free copy of Olive Kitteridge. This marvelous book won the 2009 Pulitzer Prize for fiction. I adore this book. It is my second favorite book I've read in 2009. If you'd like a free copy of Olive, all you have to do is post a comment giving me a title you'd like to see reviewed on Civil Thoughts. If you win, I'll send you Olive, read your book and post a review. The winner will be chosen at random on Thursday, October 8th at 5:00 pm.

And again, I'm sorry. Crusts and deadlines willing, reviews will be posted on a regular basis again.

Fondly,

Civil Thoughts

Civil Math

2009-09-09T14:24:00.002-04:00

My rate of reading is:

1. Faster than my rate of writing; and

2. Directly proportional to the number of crusts I cut in a day.

More reviews are coming soon, my friends.

Quiverfull, by Kathryn Joyce - Book Review #15

2009-08-03T21:12:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago, I was minding my own business in the New Books section of the library while peacefully searching for some mystery about The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Alas. My peace was abruptly disrupted when my eyes fell on Quiverfull. I had not heard of the book, but I certainly understood the connotation of the word. Unable to resist, I picked it up and saw the subtitle: "Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement". I immediately looked for the author's bio and when I discovered that she was not of the camp about which she was writing, I decided to read it. I read a fair amount of theology books. I've made it a point to refrain from reviewing those books here for various reasons. However, I figured that I'm not breaking my own rules by reviewing a book about Christianity written by a non-Christian.

Kathryn Joyce is a journalist whose work has focused on religion. In writing Quiverfull, she examines the philosophies and motivations behind what she calls the "Christian Patriarchy"movement within Christian Evangelicals (sometimes known as ultra right-wing-conservatives). It is evident from the outset of the book that Joyce spent a considerable amount of time not only reading the philosophies driving this movement, but also countless numbers of hours interviewing its mavericks. She even attended weekend retreats for Christian women, doing so as a self-proclaimed non-Christian (at the retreats she was told that "she really should get saved.").

It is unusual for me to read a non-fiction book on a subject about which I am very knowledgeable. I've read a majority of the books Joyce references in Quiverfull. I was unfamiliar with about 5% of the people she references. I've heard many of their lectures. I've read their blogs. I've read their books. I've read their magazines. So, I can say, without a doubt, that Joyce's reporting was quite accurate. This is fair and balanced reporting from a journalist who doesn't agree with what her subject matter believes. That is so heartening, isn't it? But it is precisely her accurate reporting that is so disheartening to this Christian.

Joyce divides the book into three categories: wives, mothers, and daughters. She explains, in detail, how this Christian Patriarchy Movement is spreading through Evangelical Christian circles. She talks about how wives are to be submissive to their husbands, how women are to stay at home with their children, and how daughters are to refrain from higher education for the purpose of learning the art of housewifery so that the entire cycle can begin again.

Now, if you are not a Christian, you need not read further. But, if you, like me, call yourself a Christian, read on because I have something to say.

[Stepping on soap box]

Ahem.

Evangelicals, as of late, have done a lot of whining and complaining about how the media has taken their line of thinking out of context, blah, blah, blah. Here is a case where, for the most part, Joyce (the media) didn't take things out of context. What she shows is that the Evangelicals have taken things way out of context. Joyce paints a picture of a group of people who have a serious misunderstanding of the Bible. And I have a ginormous problem with that. My problem is that my faith in which I am a devout believer is sorely misunderstood by the very people who claim to share that same faith. In short, the Quiverfull/Christian Patriarchy movement has condensed the Gospel into a list of rules, including but not limited to: wives are to defer to their husbands on every matter (no matter how minuscule), wives are not to drive at night, women and girls are not allowed to wear pants, women are supposed to have as many children as possible, women are not supposed to work outside of the home, mothers are supposed to homeschool their children (public or private school is not allowed), daughters are supposed to be committed to helping their fathers' work in lieu of attending college, fathers are only supposed to work in their own small businesses, and the list continues. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with practicing any of the above. I am saying that it is wrong to think that a requirement of Christianity is to do all of the above.

A disturbing theme seen throughout the book is the claim by the Quiverfull followers that following these rules will fix the problems in our nation. Says Rachel Scott in her book Birthing God's Mighty Warriors: "When God's people are plentiful, we can come up against society going in the wrong direction, against wicked political systems, against immoral laws and antifamily legislation, and make them back down!" If this sentence weren't so horrific, it would be funny. "God's people" are messed up. They are not perfect. Their rules are not sufficient to clean up a "society going in the wrong direction". There is an attitude of perfection by the followers of this movement. Such an attitude is divisive, isolating, and simply incorrect.

My understanding of Christianity does not have these rules as a requirement for membership. The people who loudly advocate the following of such laws have misunderstood what the Bible says. They have reduced the Christian faith to nothing other than the various religions they criticize; they've turned it into religion that is centered on what humans are supposed to do. The Christianity I understand is the opposite of that. It is centered not on what I do, but on what someone else did for me. And that, my friends, is the only faith that fills this quiver.

A Sudden Country by Karen Fisher - Book Review #14

2009-08-03T10:30:00.001-04:00

Collectively, my four children ask me an average of 413 questions each day. Apparently children in the mid-1800's were as inquisitive. They did not care that their mothers were walking next to a wagon that was carrying all of their earthly belongings to Oregon. They did not care that their mothers were, while walking next to the wagon, having to start life over again. They did not care that their mothers would really rather have stayed in their nice homes with furniture and plates. They did not care that their mothers were expected to cook, clean, do laundry and serve their husbands while walking across the country in their long, hot dresses. No, they didn't care. They still asked their questions.

Such truths are brilliantly described in A Sudden Country, by Karen Fisher. It is a historical novel about westward expansion in 1846. Fisher based the novel on a journal she read by real people who made the journey. It is a gorgeous story that reminded me of one big poem. The writing is lyrical throughout and takes some concentration. It is definitely not pool-side-with-children-dripping-popsicles-on-you summer reading. Lucy Mitchell and James MacLaren are the main characters in the novel. Lucy, still grieving the death of her previous husband, now finds herself in a marriage to a man for whom she feels no love. Furthermore, she nearly despises him for forcing her (and her five children) to pick up and move to Oregon. James, grieving the facts that his wife left him to return to her Nez Perez tribe and that all three of his daughters recently died from illness, now finds himself desperately trying to find his wife amongst the various Nez Perez tribes he encounters. When their paths cross, Lucy and James forge a common bond in their grief. This bond provides a poignant backdrop for a tale of the sacrifice, pain and labor it took to begin again during this time in America's history.

There are two reasons I loved this novel. Many books covering Westward Expansion detail how the pioneers pillaged the land of the Native Americans. This book describes how they harmed each other. As I was reading, I felt compassion for both groups, realizing that each was striving to do what they thought was needed for survival of their people. Karen Fisher provided this perspective incredibly well.

The second reason is that, as I labor in my home daily, I have the conveniences of modern appliances, running water, peaceful neighbors, furniture, and pants. Lucy's story includes most of the same responsibilities I face each day, excluding the appliances, running water, peaceful neighbors and pants. How dare I even utter a sigh in exhaustion as my dishwasher is running, I'm loading my dryer, and I'm answering the 413th question of the day?

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho - Book Review #13

2009-07-30T21:12:00.003-04:00

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho has been around for a while, and, as of late, has been popping up everywhere I look. The reason for this is that it is the 20th anniversary of its original release. My Bac Ninh friend sent it to me in April. I read it then, but I'm just now getting around to writing about it. The reason for this procrastination is not laundry or dishes or groceries. It is that I have approval issues. I don't want to disappoint my Bac Ninh friend by telling her I didn't like it. Additionally, a person for whom I care immensely doesn't like it when I post negative reviews. And furthermore, it is listed as one of the best selling books of all time. There are millions of people I worry about disappointing. Do you see my problem? Well, here at Civil Thoughts we are all about the truth and what follows is the truth, the whole truth, so help me God.

This is a fable about a shepherd boy who travels to pursue his destiny. On his journey, he encounters many people who provide words of wisdom. At the beginning, the boy thinks, "People say strange things, the boy thought. Sometimes it's better to be with the sheep, who don't say anything. And better still to be alone with one's books. They tell their incredible stories at the time when you want to hear them. But when you're talking to people, they say some things that are so strange that you don't know how to continue the conversation." That is exactly how I felt about this book; it was full of things so strange that I just didn't know how to continue in the conversation. Clearly, the author's intent was to inspire. I was completely uninspired. Since millions of people seem to have been profoundly moved by it, maybe there is something wrong with me.

The most significant reason I didn't like this book is because Coelho tries to pull facets of every religion into helping the boy reach his destiny. Last time I checked, all the religions of the world don't mesh real well together. Pick one. Stick with it. Don't try to merge them all together. It doesn't work in a fable, let alone in real life.

There you are. I hated the thing. And now all of you know it and I've disappointed my friend, my person-I-care-for-deeply, and the millions of people reading this blog who loved it. Maybe I'll try reading it in the original language (Portuguese). If change my opinion maybe you all will like me again.

Amy and Isabelle by Elizabeth Strout - Book Review #12

2009-07-09T13:08:00.006-04:00

Elizabeth Strout is the author of Olive Kitteridge, Pulitzer Prize winner for 2009. As I have waited to get my literature-gluttonous eyes on it, I've read Strout's Abide With Me and Amy and Isabelle. Both are excellent. I'm anxious to see what her Pulitzer writing looks like.

Amy, a teenage girl with a "lack of commotion in her face", is Isabelle's daughter. Isabelle is a single mother and a secretary who spends lots of time in "fruitless conjecture, hours of wasted thought". She is confident that she is giving Amy the opportunities in life that she missed. Isabelle loves her boss, Avery Clark. This is a secret she has shared with no one. Just as she has convinced herself that she is doing all she can for her daughter, she is equally convinced that Avery's wife does not love him as she would. Isabelle thinks, "Now, if she were married to Avery (rolling sheet of paper into the typewriter and getting rid of Emma Clark with a heart attack that would carry only a few brief moments of panic and pain), Avery might say in response to some one's asking, A nasty bug, but Isabelle took wonderful care of me." In short, Isabelle is desperate to love someone. Well. Amy would have been a good place to start. Amy, desperate to be loved, receives some attention from someone (who has no business giving her attention) and does every thing she possibly can to keep that attention coming. Strout writes, "Amy had become desperate, crazy, somebody else." The decisions that Amy and Isabelle make in response to their desperation for love direct the remainder of the story, which will make you think and laugh and cry just a little.

The characters on the periphery of the story will make you laugh. These characters (Dottie, Bev and Stacy) point out just how rotten life can be because of the way we treat one another. In one scene, Strout writes, "Intermittently glancing at Dottie lying on the couch with the afghan pulled over her, Isabelle had to keep looking away, for she was struck with the extreme ease with which lives could be damaged, destroyed. Lives, flimsy as fabric, could be snipped capriciously with the shears of random moments of self-interest." And then, there is this poignant paragraph: "She gazed at the stupefied Dottie in her rocking chair and had the sense to visibly witnessing a disaster, a house left in shambles, as though an earthquake had struck. But it wasn't any earthquake, it wasn't any "act of God." No, you couldn't blame these things on God. It was people, just ordinary, regular people, who did this to each other. People ruined other people's lives. People simply took what they wanted..." Did you pause when you read that? If not, go back and read it again. Self. It can be a dangerous thing. Is there any place in your life where your self interest is simply taking what you want? Yep. I thought so.

Predictably, there are some strong mother/daughter themes in the book. When Stacy, a teenager adopted at birth and Amy's best friend, gets pregnant and decides to keep the baby, she pontificates the following point: "I wonder if I'm like my real mother...Because if everyone just turns out like their mother, then what's the...point?" Here are some lines that have no doubt been screamed in kitchens by mothers to their teenage daughters many, many times: " 'You go right ahead and tell yourself that your mother is an illiterate moron and that she's too stupid to know anything about real life, but I'm telling you that you are the one who doesn't know anything!' It has become that senseless and awful, yelling at each other about who was the most stupid."

Amy and Isabelle provides a profound portrait of the female teenage mind. It is this aspect of the novel that I appreciated the most. Teenage girls are delightful and unique. However, they - generally speaking - have an extreme desire to feel loved by their mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, boyfriends, teachers, aunts, uncles, and third cousins. Time and again I've seen them make unfortunate decisions to obtain this love. While Elizabeth Strout doesn't necessarily provide solutions for the teenager, she certainly reminds us that as the adults, we have a responsibility to give love and attention to these young ladies. Because if we don't, they are going to go elsewhere to find it. And the elsewhere might not be so lovely.

Housekeeping, by Marilynne Robinson - Book Review #11

2009-07-01T21:27:00.002-04:00

I fell in love with this book while sitting in the lobby of a hotel at midnight while my family slept peacefully in Room 226. I could not have loved it more had I been reading it on the beach at sunrise.

Housekeeping, written by Marilynne Robinson (Gilead), is the story of Ruthie and her mother's sister, Sylvie. Ruthie's mother kills herself when Ruthie and her sister, Lucille, are young children. Ruthie's grandmother raises them for five years and then she dies. Enter Aunt Sylvie, who arrives to take over the rearing of these two girls into their teen years. As with Gilead, the themes are so rich and so deep that everyone will take away something different from their reading. Grief is the most prominent of those themes in Housekeeping, and the story radically portrays what happens when grief remains untouched.

The writing is gorgeous. It is so beautiful that anything else I've read since seems choppy and ugly. Robinson's gift of sentence construction is astonishing. As Doris Lessing said of the novel, "...every sentence is a delight." To tell us that Ruthie's grandmother died, she says, "When after almost five years, my grandmother one winter morning eschewed awakening,..." And then, to provide insight into the family, Robinson writes, "Then, too, for whatever reasons, our whole family was standoffish. This was the fairest description of our best qualities, and the kindest description of our worst faults." I read the following sentence and melted as I could see the picture of what she was describing so vividly: "If one pried up earth with a stick on those days, one found massed shafts of ice, slender as needles and pure as spring water." And in my final attempt to convince you of her beautiful writing, I share my favorite lines of the entire book:

"We looked at the window as we ate, and we listened to the crickets and nighthawks, which were always unnaturally loud then, perhaps because they were within the bounds that light would fix around us, or perhaps because one sense is a shield for the others and we had lost our sight."

Entwined in the fabulous sentences is a poignant story. Ruthie's grandmother did not grieve the loss of her husband. She simply did not address the death with her children, including Ruthie's mom and Aunt Sylvie. She just went on with life. Ruthie's grandmother did the same thing with her grandchildren when Ruthie's mom drove off a bridge; she just didn't address the death with the children. Aunt Sylvie shows up and because of her unresolved grief, she neglects Ruthie and Lucille in a seriously tragic way. Sylvie feeds, clothes and shelters Lucille and Ruthie. The negligence is of the emotion, the spirit. In Housekeeping, ignored grief leads to mental health issues which lead to neglect of children. The cycle begins again, with some children choosing to get out of the cycle and others finding it most comforting to stay in it.

Because of my place in life, the neglect of children theme was my focus as I read. We all know that neglect of children is bad. And we generally give children credit for being resilient. But how resilient are they, really? Robinson so powerfully shows just how damaging adult self-indulgence is in regard to the nurture and care of children. Ruthie says this about her Aunt Sylvie:

"For she could regard me without strong emotion - a familiar shape, a familiar face, a familiar silence. She could forget I was in the room. She could speak to herself, or to someone in their thoughts, with pleasure and animation, even while I sat beside her - this was the measure of our intimacy, that she gave almost no thought to me at all."

As good writing always does, it encouraged me to think about the world, my life, my parenting, my children. Why are so many children throughout the world neglected? Where am I negligent in the care of my children? When am I so self-focused that I'm simply seeing them as familiar shapes, familiar faces and, in our house, familiar loud voices? How can I listen so that I am not mistaking important life questions for inconvenient queries? What can I do to parent so that my children don't reach adulthood with Ruthie's conclusion regarding mothers:

"Then there is the matter of my mother's abandonment of me. Again, this is the common experience. They walk ahead of us, and walk too fast, and forget us, they are so lost in thoughts of their own, and soon or late they disappear. The only mystery is that we expect it to be otherwise."

Hollywood Parenting - Book Review #10

2009-05-21T21:22:00.009-04:00

Are you familiar with the books in the how-to section of the bookstore that promise to provide the secrets to raising the children of your dreams? I began reading these mothering/parenting/child rearing/family books eleven years ago. I began parenting nine years ago. Simple math will lead you to the conclusion that I'm more experienced in reading about child-rearing that I am about actual child-rearing. Recently, I realized that I spent so many years immersed in the research of raising amazing children that I did not read on many other topics for a while. A while? I stuck to one genre for a decade, people. The genre of Child-Rearing Non-Fiction. Do you think I'm exaggerating? I went to my closet to count the number of mothering books that line my bookshelf. I scanned the impressive collection, realized that reporting a number would be embarrassing, and returned to sit in front of my computer. Many - I'll say over 15 - of my prized books on mothering have pages falling out of them. Several of them I've practically memorized. Such extensive research should lead to flawless implementation, right? Ahem. Not quite. This implementer is seriously flawed.

Little did I know that I could have been reading Tolstoy for that decade. All I really needed was David Gilmour's The Film Club. It is a memoir of the three years that David Gilmour spent watching movies with his son. And I have to tell you that it is one of the more remarkable books on parenting I've ever read. Don't look for it in the mothering/parenting/child-rearing section of the bookstore. It won't be there.

David Gilmour is a writer, broadcaster and film critic in real life. He is also a father. And when his 15-year old son, Jesse, was failing every single class in high school, he knew he had to do something to help his son. Gilmour says this about Jesse and school: "To my nightly question "Is that all your homework?" my son, Jesse, responded with a cheerful "Absolutely!" When he went to stay with his mother for a week that summer, I found a hundred different homework assignments shoved into every conceivable hiding place in his bedroom. School, in a word, was making him a liar and a slippery customer."

Gilmour tells Jesse that he can drop out of school with two conditions. The first condition is that Jesse can not take drugs. The second condition is that Jesse has to watch three movies a week of David's choosing and discuss them with him. That's it. No other academic work has to be completed, David will financially support him, he can have free reign of the house with no conditions on behavior other than no drugs. And three movies a week. Note that none of the 1,763 (not really) parenting books that line my shelves have a chapter titled "Let Your Teenager Drop out of High School and Watch Movies With Him for Three Years".

Gilmour doesn't describe much of a grappling with such an unconventional solution. What the reader does experience is the intense, internal wrestling with how to parent a troubled teen. Gilmour does this remarkably well. Some of you won't agree with Gilmour's family values, if you will. Some of you won't have a problem with them. If you read this book, I'd encourage you to try to take your focus off what Gilmour does or doesn't allow in terms of boundaries for his child. The impressive thing is that he knows what he believes those boundaries are and he has to decide how to enforce consequences or, in some cases, give mercy. He does an amazing job of deciding when to give advice and when to abstain. As a reader we get to know what he, the parent, is thinking and then what he decides to say. As a parent, I could certainly relate to that little dilemma. Here is an example:

"I asked him about his evening; yes, all fine, nothing special, though. Dropped over to see a friend. Uh-huh. which friend?

Pause. "Dean."

I don't know Dean, do I?"

"Just a fellow."

Fellow? (You hear language that out of character, you want to call the police.) He could tell I was looking at him."

Films? Oh, yes, they did watch some films. Gilmour chronicles what they watched. Often he explains the reasons for his choices and sometimes he doesn't. The films he chose are absolutely fascinating, as are the highlights of the discussions that Gilmour chooses to include in the book. The films he chose over the three year period are very much in line with the values with which he wants to instill. Should you choose to allow your child to drop out of school and only watch movies, you'd likely choose different films. The bottom line is this: David Gilmour wanted to help him and found a way to spend time with him that would allow for dialogue, learning, and love between father and son. It was profoundly inspiring.

A little Tolstoy aside before I close... Gilmour finds himself in the precarious position of having to give his son advice about girls on a regular basis. At one point, Jesse was hurt by a girl. He asks his father what will happen if the girl hurts him again. This occurs toward the end of the film viewing experiment and Gilmour responds with this:

"You know what Tolstoy says?" I said.

"No."

"He says that a woman can never wound you the same way twice."

A few days later Jesse sees the girl and reports to his father that after only speaking for a few moments, she whispers to him, "If you keep looking at me like that, I'm going to have to kiss you." And this brilliant little line is what Gilmour thinks after listening to his son's recounting: "(My God, where do they learn this stuff? Are they all at home reading Tolstoy before these parties?)"

Perhaps the greatest sentence in the book is the one Gilmour chooses to include just before the title page. The quote from Michel de Montaingne reads: "I know nothing about education except this: that the greatest and most important difficulty known to human beings seems to lie in that area which deals with how to bring up children and how to educate them."

And then, there is this from Gilmour that captures the beauty with which he describes the love of a parent for a child: "Still, and I don't want to get maudlin here, some nights I walk by his bedroom on the way to my study and I take a peek inside. The moonlight falls over his bed, the room is very still, and I can't quite believe he's gone. There were other things we were going to do to that room, other prints, another clothes peg for the wall. But time ran out."

Ahab's Wife - Review #9

2009-05-16T21:15:00.008-04:00

Do you remember reading Moby Dick in high school? Whether you weathered the epic or sloshed through Cliff's notes, you'll certainly recall this fact: Ahab's wife's name was Una. In Moby Dick, Ahab briefly mentions her. Sena Jeter Naslund writes an epic about Una in Ahab's Wife. An epic from an epic. Intriguing, don't you think?

Ahab's Wife is a magnificent story. Ahab's wife, Una, is so much more than just a wife. The cornerstone of the story is that at a young age, Una vehemently rejects the existence of the God of her father. This fact angers her father so much that Una's mother has to send her away because she fears her husband will kill Una simply because of her rejection of his faith. She goes to live with her aunt and uncle, who run a lighthouse on a New England island. While on the island she falls in love with the ocean and makes a decision that will have astounding ramifications. The reader follows her life as she encounters repetitous patterns of love, heroism and tragedy. Abundant with historical and literary references, this book is more of a project than a liesurely read. It is a project well worth the effort. Discussing this book is essential to enjoying it fully and this reviewer hopes that someone will read it and comment. There are many major events in Ahab's Wife, but if I highlight any of them I will ruin the story for you. A few points of interest follow.

Friendship is a fairly major theme in Ahab's Wife. The reader meets a number of Una's friends but Naslund develops them primarily in terms of how they impact Una's life and not as stand alone characters. When I finished the novel, I thought about the characters in the story of my life. Who would I highlight in telling my story? How would I describe their contribution to my being? In doing so, would I be blind to their character traits, focusing only on their participation in my life? The pondering of such questions provided some quality soul searching and subsequent repentance. I highly recommend it.

I'm still grappling with just how much I appreciate the feminist theme in the book. I don't even know if feminist is the correct adjective. After you read the book, please provide me with a better adjective. Anyway, Una thinks she can do anything. She believes she can conquer the sea, overcome gender boundaries, abolish political bias, win a battle with an eagle, and master the most difficult literature, among other things. I am confident (and the confidence is often misplaced, for the record) that I can do just about anything I set my mind to do and I identified with some of this woman-power Una exudes. But conquering the sea? Fighting an eagle? Sometimes this theme was a little overstated and somewhat annoying. And at times it was motivating. One such motivating quote follows:

"I only mean we all change by degrees," I said. "Neither in good architecture nor in nature is there any abruptness, but gradual modulation, requiring planning and patience."

Speaking of motivation. The literary references in the novel are stunning. The manner in which the author weaves thoughts of the writers of old into the story is fabulous. For example, Shakespeare is abundantly referenced, quoted and used to develop Una's character. At one point, Una tells her cousin that she never found Hamlet convincing because of "...All that hesitation. A person would either kill the king or go to another country." Her cousin responds with this telling observation: "Hesitation is more natural for some of us than it is for you, Una." Ahab's Wife motivated me to return to Shakespeare (high school was long, long ago and my college engineering classes just didn't seek the Bard out) and I stumbled across this book, which I highly recommend as a helpful reference to such a return.

The most prominent theme in the book is a lack of faith in the Christian God, the God of Una's father. She searches for God throughout the 666 pages of the book (hmmmm...), but ultimately only finds faith in herself. Every single Christian is either a hypocrite or a disappointment. Susan, the runaway slave Una befriends, is the only Christian in the novel with Christ-like character. But when Susan is given a chance for freedom, she "finds freedom sterile" and makes a decision that disappoints Una. All of the other Christian characters are portrayed as hypocrites because they claim to be Christians but then don't live up to the assumed standard of Christian behavior. And since they don't follow the rules and subsequently disappoint her, the conclusion Una makes is that religion must be rejected. The "Christians" in Una's life were following rules; they were being religious. And no one can follow the rules perfectly. The logical conclusion for her to make was to reject the religion. But should she have rejected God on this particular basis? The author makes this point in the following dialouge between Una and Captain Ahab:

"Are you, then, religious after all?" I felt disappointed. He had seemed a fellow skeptic, like Giles, like Kit.

"Religion and God usually have very little to do with each other," he said.

Una never does grasp the distinction between religion and God. Such a distinction is the difference between faith in one's self and faith in God. Now there is something for you to ponder.

Restaurant Reminiscing - Review # 8

2009-05-02T20:59:00.004-04:00

I spent a good number of my teenage years working in restaurants. The days spent in a black and white waitress uniform at a New Jersey diner provided the funds with which I bought my periwinkle Acura Integra. I learned to carry four glasses at once. I could (still can) balance four plates on one arm. More valuable lessons included learning how to remember names of the regulars, providing good service even when the customer was less than polite, and settling into the realization that one's boss might be downright mean. Most importantly, I learned how to work hard when I was at the diner. Last Night at the Lobster by Stewart O'Nan provides a moving commentary on the value of hard work with a restaurant as the backdrop.

Last Night at the Lobster chronicles the final day in which a Connecticut Red Lobster will be open for business. Manny, the manager and main character, is tireless in his desire to work hard, even though it doesn't matter any more. His work ethic and his leadership skills are inspiring. He works hard because it is his job to do so, not because his next promotion depends upon the day's numbers. He works hard because it is the right thing to do.

My favorite scene in the story occurs a few hours before closing when an obnoxious toddler overeats and vomits in front of a table of grandmothers trying to enjoy their late afternoon lunch. The toddler's equally obnoxious mother is furious that the restaurant staff is not immediately providing a glass of water for her son. O'Nan writes about what Manny has to do to rectify the situation:

"While he scrubs the stinking rug and fills a bus tub with nasty rags, Nicolette has to relocate the grandmothers to a booth as far away as possible, which is the equivalent of seating and serving them again. Jacquie takes a tray over. So does Kendra, as Roz shares an open-mouthed look of surprise with him. While he's down there, he notices a couple spots of gum on the underside of the table and before he can stop himself, he thinks he should find the putty knife later and take care of them...

The wetted carpet reeks like and overpowering cheese. He fogs the spot with disinfectant, then spends a couple minutes at the hygiene sink washing his hands. Once the mess dries he'll vacuum, but not with guests present. The idea is to let things settle, let them all forget. Impossible in real life, and yet here it works perfectly. In fact, once the kid and his mom are gone, and infectious laughter circles the room as if they've all been holding it in, the grandmothers included, hooting and slapping the table top so hard their silverware rattles."

There is no surprising climax to this novel. It is about hard work, plain and simple. O'Nan captures the environment of a restaurant so well; if you are working or have worked in such an environment, you'll find your self nodding in agreement throughout this entire book. If you decide to check it out, I think you'll be pulling for Manny the whole way. You'll wonder if "corporate" will show up and decide that the restaurant shouldn't be closed after all. You'll hope he wins the lottery with the ticket he buys for his staff on the last day. And you'll remember a time in your own job when you really were getting the short end of the stick even though you were working as hard as humanly possible.

Full in the Everyday - Book #7

2009-04-26T20:33:00.010-04:00

Since finishing Muriel Barbery's The Elegance of the Hedgehog, two tasks have plagued me. The first impossible task is to find the words with which to tell you just how much I enjoyed this book. I will be unable to find the appropriate words, I can assure you. The second task is to find a contemporary book that I will like better than this one.

Renee Michel, the leading lady of this story, is a concierge for wealthy tenants of an apartment building in Paris. She is brilliant and well-read. She is witty and sarcastic. She knows music and art and food. Based on her conviction that a concierge is meant to be uncultured and illiterate, Renee purposely hides her intellect and knowledge from everyone except her cat. Paloma is the supporting character of this story. Also desiring to hide her brilliance from those in her circle (which happens to be her wealthy family), she plans to commit suicide on her 13th birthday because she believes her life just isn't worth living among all of the stupid people with whom she must spend her days. And in the climax of the book, which comes at you quickly and unexpectedly, Renee and Paloma discover each other's brilliance and become fast friends. At its core, this book is about finding beauty in the things of everyday, which, added up, becomes life. The book fed my soul. That sounds so trite, but I simply can't manufacture another sentence to describe just how much I enjoyed it.

I must provide a disclaimer. Tolstoy's Anna Karenina is my favorite book of all time. The Elegance of the Hedgehog references the brilliant classic work. That's not the only reason I loved the book, but it is one of the reasons. And for that reason alone, many of you readers may not enjoy The Elegance of the Hedgehog. If you are not a lover of Tolstoy, I urge you to give him another try. "Urge" as in, right now, get out of your pajamas, turn off the television, find your library card, go to the library and check out Anna. It is that good.

I digress. Back to the hedgehog. You may be pondering the title. This quote will end the mystery. And as you read the quote you will grasp the beauty of Barbery's writing. As Paloma discovers Renee's personality she says, "Madame Michel has the elegance of the hedgehog; on the outside, she's covered in quills, a real fortress, but my gut feeling is that on the inside, she has the same simple refinement as the hedgehog; a deceptively indolent little creature, fiercely solitary - and terribly elegant."

Barbery includes a little bit of economic class and pop-culture commentary in the story. One of the best lines in the book is this: "Television distracts us from the onerous necessity of finding projects to construct in the vacuity of our frivolous lives: by beguiling our eyes, television releases our mind from the great work of making meaning." I enjoy a well-done sitcom or drama like the next gal, but does television ever aid me in the "great work of making meaning"? I think not. Later, Renee muses, "Literature, for example, serves a pragmatic purpose. Like any form of Art, literature's mission is to make the fulfillment of our essential duties more bearable." Note to self: buy stock in Amazon.com tomorrow.

Maybe one of the reasons our culture is drawn to the television more than it is drawn to books these days is because it is easier to share thoughts on Lost than it is to discuss Anna. To discuss Anna with someone, the someone has to have read Tolstoy. To discuss Lost with someone, the someone has to have passively watched a screen for an hour while folding laundry. For me, I have not finished reading a book until I've discussed it with someone. Then We Came to the End was a great book. It became a satisfying book for me after my husband read it. In The Elegance of the Hedgehog, Renee experiences that kind of joy for the first time. She describes the experience like this:

"When did I first experience the exquisite sense of surrender that is possible only with another person? The peace of mind one experiences on one's own, one's certainty of self in the serenity of solitude, are nothing in comparison to the release and openness and fluency one shares with another, in close companionship...When did I first feel so blissfully relaxed in the presence of a man? Today is the first time."

This book is about the everyday and how the beauty in it draws human beings together. And if the love of art, classical music, literature, good vocabulary, excellent grammar and tea are a part of your everyday, you will love this book. As Renee says, "Those who feel inspired, as I do, by the greatness of small things will pursue them to the very heart of the inessential where, cloaked in everyday attire, this greatness will emerge from within a certain ordering of ordinary things and from the certainty that all is as it should be, the conviction that it is fine this way."

Empty at the Beach - Book #6

2009-04-17T17:44:00.012-04:00

April Wheeler was empty in the suburbs. The ad execs were empty at the office. Cameron was empty without her fluffy friend. After reading this book, Civil Thoughts was empty at the beach.

Pat Conroy's Beach Music is the story of Jack McCall, a man trying to raise his young daughter after his wife's suicide. He flees his small, wealthy South Carolina town for Rome with the hope of escaping his family, his friends, and his past. When an emergency beckons him home, he is forced to deal with his past. This past includes high school friends who became college friends and their dysfunctional families, his own dysfunctional family, a near death experience at sea, the Vietnam War, and the Holocaust. He also has to face the present, which includes terrorism, insanity, cancer, Hollywood, harboring a criminal and a new love. This book is chock full of themes. Why then, the emptiness? The book was just too full.

Consider these sentences:

"Though both of us were glad of the armistice, neither of us knew what strategies would lead us around the impasse of distrust and hatred that we both felt whenever our eyes met."

"A breeze lifted off the ocean and several hundred notes from the wind chimes tinkled like ice shaken in silver cups. They altered the mood of the forest the way an orchestra does a theater when it begins tuning up its instruments."

Those are beautifully written, aren't they? I certainly could not have come up with material as good. However, this 800 small-font page book is covered in sentences such as these. It is so full of similes and analogies that the good sentences get lost in a sea of adjectives. It is like a salad with too many herbs; the good flavors get so mixed up you don't know they are good anymore.

When Jack returns to his childhood home, he finds his beloved books in the attic. He thinks, "A good movie had never once affected me in the same life-changing way a good book could. Books had the power to alter my view of the world forever. A great movie could change my perceptions for a day." We would be hard pressed to find a disagreement with that view. Beach Music wasn't a book that had the power to alter my view of the world forever, but there was a chapter that did. I have read good amount of material regarding the Holocaust. I have an acquaintance who was an integral part of setting up and opening the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. I thought I had a fairly good handle on the horror of that time in history. Chapter 34 of Beach Music made me realize that I really don't have a depth of understanding at all. In that Chapter, Jack's father-in-law describes his experience of living as a Jew in Kironittska, Ukraine during the Holocaust. I can honestly say that I've never been so horrified by anything I've ever read as I was when I read this account. And, I'm assuming, based on the credit he gives some Holocaust survivors at the beginning of the book, that the account is based on truth. Some startling (that's putting it mildly) quotes from Chapter 34 follow:

"Ah! The Holocaust, Jack. Yes, that word again. That stupid word, that empty vessel. I am so sick of that word. It is an exhausted word that means nothing, and we Jews have shoved it down the world's throat and dared anyone to use it improperly. One poor word cannot bear that much weight, yet this poor word must stagger under that load forever...Holocaust. One English word should not be required to carry so many human hearts."

"In Yiddish, he keeps telling his sons that Yahweh will protect them. But Yahweh is taking a long vacation, far away from his chosen in people in those years. He was not in Eastern Europe, Jack, of that I am certain."

"You think you have heard and imagined the worst that can happen to the ghetto Jews. Then something else happens so horrible that you shut down completely. You pray that you can imagine nothing. Your prayers are answered. You learn that evil is bottomless. The despair I feel in my stomach is like a paralysis."

"Despair is a daily bread and there is plenty enough to go around."

"We are not survivors. None of us. We were dice. We were thrown, hurled into the mouth of hell, and we learned that a human life was as worthless as a horsefly...Dice are simply thrown, cast into the abyss. I can tell you how to find your way around in nothingness. I have the map in my possession, Jack. All the street names are covered with blood and the streets are all cobbled with the skulls of Jews. You are a Christian, Jack, and should feel right at home in this place. I hate your Christian face. I am sorry. I always have and I always will."

Those are just some thoughts that are woven throughout the story that Jack's father-in-law tells in Chapter 34. The story is stunning and it needs to be read and remembered. But it gets lost in all of the rest of the book's sub-plots. I wonder if the author felt like he needed to nest this description of the Holocaust into some other themes because he was trying to give Jack's father-in-law a happy ending. We can see no happy ending to the Holocaust. The story, though, needs to be told. And we need to listen and ponder and think and act so that the story is not forgotten. Go to your library, find Beach Music, and turn to Chapter 34. Read all 35 pages of it and be empty.

Friendship Fluff - Book #5

2009-04-16T14:57:00.007-04:00

I am not a creature of many habits. I love spontaneity. However, there are a few daily rituals that provide me with some comfort. One of those rituals is to turn on late night television. It rarely has my full attention. It is fluff that I use as background noise when the house is too quiet. Something that I noticed only because of the repetitive nature of this ritual is that Conan O'Brien (before his 12:30 am show ended) would open his monologue the same way each night. He would say, "We have a great show for you tonight!" Every night was a great show. I would often think, "How can EVERY night possibly be a great show? Every night can't be great." This blog was taking a similar tone, as each book reviewed was great. Fear no more, viewers. Every book is not great. Some books, like late night television, are just plain fluff. They will provide some background noise for your brain, but they won't provide a whole lot of significance to your life.

Leah Stewart's The Myth of You and Me is a fluffy chick book that, if read at all, should be consumed at the beach where you only need to have half of your brain engaged. Men, stay away. You really won't like it. It is the story of two teenagers, Sonia and Cameron, who become best friends in high school. They attend college together and immediately following graduation, they have a falling out over - can you guess? - a boy. Their falling out deeply affects the life decisions that Cameron makes. And, predictably, those decisions do not appear to be good ones. As she approaches her 30th birthday, Cameron makes a new best friend with her 90-year old boss who encourages her to reconcile with Sonia. The reader realizes that if the two friends could just reconcile, Cameron's life would be okay again.

The book is predictable, juvenile, and easy. Shouldn't I have known as much when the cover quotes People Magazine as saying, "A smart, exceedingly well-written story about the mysteries at the heart of even the most intimate friendships between women. You'll be reading into the wee hours." Alas, I decided to read it anyway for my upcoming book club meeting.

I feel a twang of guilt for criticizing this book because I'm not a writer, and Leah Stewart could write paragraphs around me. I am just a reader with a reaction. To alleviate some of my guilt, I'm going to give you some of Stewart's non-fluff:

"A person is not a suitcase, with a finite number of items to unpack." This is true, no? Just when I think I have someone figured out, they surprise me. That's a wonderful thing. Like I said, I love spontaneity.

"There's something to be said for living a life subject to someone else's needs - you never have those empty periods of vague discontent brought on by too much freedom, too little purpose." This is so true, isn't it? Oh, and look! There's that empty theme again. It even shows up in the fluffy books. Huh. Interesting.

With that previous quote, we see that Cameron loves routine. Later on, she makes this observation, "Nothing is stranger than the familiar become unfamiliar. A house on your street that you never stopped to see before, so that it seems to have been dropped into place with its rosebushes, its bicycles in the yard, like a fairy cottage appearing from the mist. A birthmark on your back that you never noticed in twenty-five years of looking at your own skin. Why, you don't know anything, do you?"

My favorite three sentences in the book are these: "There's nothing lonelier than being angry at someone who's indifferent to your anger. It's like playing catch off a wall by yourself. Everything you feel just bounces back to you." Thank you, Ms. Stewart, for that.

The last notable paragraph is this one, and I share it only because it provides fodder for the upcoming review of Beach Music. Cameron's father is discussing Dickens' Great Expectations with her.

"If I remember right," he said slowly, "he meant to give that one an unhappy ending, but then he rewrote it to make it happy." He looked at me and smiled. "To give love a victory." I crossed my legs and sat up straight. "But that's not what life is like. So why rewrite it?" He paged through the book without appearing to see it. "You know," he said, "a happy ending isn't really the end. It's just the place where you choose to stop telling the story. Why not make everything work out when you have the chance?"

Tomorrow is Easter...

2009-04-11T16:08:00.003-04:00

but today is Christmas.

Picture it. As typical of me the day before a holiday, I've been cooking since the wee hours of the morning, my sink is overflowing with dishes, and I look a little disheveled. My doorbell rings and I find a package on my porch. Imagine my delight when I opened it with my frosting-infused hands and found four, count them four, books from one of the fabulous Bac Ninh ladies. Included was a note directing me to read them and pass them along to all the rest of you Bac Ninh ladies. Needless to say, I was extremely appreciative and utterly excited.

The titles in my Christmas box were:

Ahab's Wife, by Sena Jeter Naslund

How Full is Your Bucket?, by Tom Rath and Donald O. Clifton

The Red Tent, by Anita Diamant

The Alchemist, by Paulo Coelho

So, readers...any suggestions on which to read and review first? Has anyone (and I mean anyone, not just BN Ladies) read any of these yet?

Merry Easter, Happy Christmas, and Peaceful Passover to you all and to all a good read.

"Struggling Against Our Rescuer" - Book #4

2009-04-08T00:20:00.007-04:00

It is so difficult to be objective, isn't it? Even with the most valiant attempts to be fair and balanced, we bring our experiences to the table. That said, I should not have been surprised when I skimmed the online reviews and found that my take on this book is quite different from, say, a literary expert's take on the book. From my perspective, Gilead is about faith. Faith is very important to me. From the perspective of many readers, Gilead is about fatherhood. It is interesting and somewhat humorous to note in this context that the narrator of the story is a father writing to his son. The author of Gilead is a woman named Marilynne Robinson. I was completely convinced of the "father voice" as I read, but maybe that's because I'm a woman and so is the author. Maybe if a man wrote Gilead the father voice would be portrayed differently. We all bring something to the table.

So, from my perspective, this book is about faith. And, from my perspective, it is a fabulous book. The way Robinson constructs the thoughts of this man is simply gorgeous. As seems to be my trend of late, this is another book that requires some concentration. You should see my copy of it. Almost every page is marked or folded. There is some deep stuff in here and I would often stop and think - A LOT - about the sentiment oozing from the pages. If you've read the book and if, from your perspective, this book is not ultimately about faith, let me know.

John Ames is a pastor of a protestant church in Gilead, Iowa. His father was a pastor and his grandfather was a pastor. Ames says, albeit unconvincingly, "My vocation was the same as my father's. I assume that if I'd had another father entirely the Lord would still have called me." The entire book is written by the dying 77-year old Ames to his seven year old son (note the use of seven here). Certainly, Ames longs to give his dearly beloved son a picture of his own youth and some advice for the future. Ultimately, I thought the Reverend was trying to figure out whether all of his life-long beliefs are really true as he prepares to meet his maker. Here are some of my favorite lines that show just how much he is struggling with his faith:

"The fact is, I don't want to be old. And I certainly don't want to be dead."

"Oh, I will miss the world!"

"I have worried some about those last hours. This is another thing you know and I don't - how this ends."

And my favorite on this topic of doubt is this: "My father always said when someone dies the body is just a suit of old clothes the spirit doesn't want anymore. But there we were, half killing ourselves to find a grave, and as cautious as we could be about where we put our feet."

Gilead is peppered with references to Karl Barth, Ludwig Feuerbach, and John Calvin. I happen to be reading Calvin's Institutes each morning, so these references were incredibly interesting to me. I know a little about Barth, and less about Feuerbach, and I wondered if my conclusions about the book would change if I would read some of their writings.

I spend a good deal of time with pastors, so the parts of Gilead that highlighted the occasional frustration with the vocation spoke to me. Ames says, "After a while I did begin to wonder if I liked the church better with no people in it. I know they are planning to pull it down. They're waiting me out, which is kind of them." He tells a humorous story of ministering to a widow in his congregation. Remember, he is dying. He poignantly explains, "You can never know what troubles or fears such people have, and I went. It turned out that the problem was her kitchen sink." Ames even addresses the tricky situation of being your wife's pastor: "Your mother was startled the first time I mentioned to her that she might as well not do the ironing on a Sunday evening. It's such hard work for her to stop working that I don't know what I have accomplished by speaking to her about the day of rest."

Interwoven with his thoughts on faith are Ames' thoughts on forgiving John Ames Boughton, his namesake and son of his best friend. Boughton has committed just about every crime that exists. He has come to town to "pay his respects" to Ames, his godfather, and his own father (who is apparently dying as well). This part of the story line is immensely compelling, as Boughton is trying to redeem himself. In what I think is the most beautiful line in the book, Ames writes, "As I have said, the worst eventualities can have great value as experience. And often enough, when we think we are protecting ourselves, we are struggling against our rescuer." Think about that. "Struggling against our rescuer." Oh, how true that has been in my own life. I've been pondering that one little phrase for four days. One could say that is the mark of a Pulitzer Prize winning book.

The Story of the Bac Ninh Book List

2009-04-06T18:16:00.003-04:00

Some of you have asked, "What is Bac Ninh?" This entry answers that question.

Bac Ninh is a town in the northern part of Vietnam. I traveled to that precious place in the summer of 2006. Some other women traveled to Bac Ninh as well. Over the past three years, I've become very well acquainted with five of those other women. They have welcomed me into their lives when it looked as if we had nothing in common, save our children. They are brilliant, beautiful, and they are contributing greatly to this ever changing world in which we live. These women are truly remarkable and I count it a great gift to have them (and their children) in my life.

When we were all together in February, we loudly and excitedly discussed the books we were reading. And those loud, excited discussions occurred often throughout the week. We realized that all six of us are book enthusiasts. One of them suggested that we all read the same books and talk about them via the Internet. This blog is my attempt to make that happen.

A review of Gilead, sent to me by one of those remarkable women, is coming up tomorrow.

Civil Thoughts on the Civil War

2009-04-01T16:51:00.002-04:00

Here is another suggestion for your "Books I Need to Read to my Kid" list. In her Newberry Medal Honor book, Across Five Aprils, Irene Hunt chronicles the life of a family living in Southern Illinois during the Civil War. Jethro, the youngest child of the Creighton family, is too young to go fight. After his older brothers leave to become soldiers, he is forced to handle the responsibilities of the farm. Living in a Union state geographically close to Confederate states, the Creighton family is divided by the convictions of one son who decides to fight in a grey uniform while the rest of the family allegiances lie with Old Abe and the North. Jethro has to bear the physical and emotional burdens of living as a child during a horrific war.

This piece of juvenile fiction teaches history through telling a story. The major battles of the war are accurately explained as the Creighton family hears about them in the newspaper. The reader feels the tenseness of the political climate as the townsfolk debate the issues. Hunt's descriptions of the soldiers' feelings after battles are startling in an age-appropriate way. This is accomplished when Jethro encounters a deserter and has to face the moral dilemma of helping him or following the law. His solution is delightful.

The other piece of this history that is so well explained is how, while the supporters of the North wanted peace, they were significantly concerned about how the country was going to function at the conclusion of the war. Hunt portrays their hope as centered on Lincoln, and she beautifully describes the grief that ensued when that hope could be no more. Such descriptions are not the way of the average American history text book. Neither are thoughts like these:

"When one found comfort, he was grateful, but he was never such a fool as to expect a great deal of it. The hardships one endured had a purpose; his mother had been careful to make him aware of that." - p. 53, Across Five Aprils

Do Tell...

2009-03-31T17:50:00.001-04:00

What are you reading right now? My inquiring mind would like to know.

Empty at the Office - Book #3

2009-03-30T21:25:00.001-04:00

Then We Came to the End by Joshua Ferris is the story of an advertising agency facing an economic downturn in 2001. The copywriters aren't handling their pending unemployment well. They know each other better than their own family members, and their desperation to keep their jobs seems to be more about maintaining relationships with their quirky co-workers than it is about maintaining income.

This novel is immensely funny and brilliantly constructed. The entire story is narrated by one of the agency copywriters who refers to himself or herself (the reader is never given the gender) as "we". Ferris deviates from this voice once, and in that section we hear the perspective of the copywriters' boss. In a way, the book is very Don Quixote - esque. Many times there are stories within a story that are within another story. In other words, this isn't easy comic strip reading; ya gotta get some brains on to read it.

Like I said, the book is hilarious. If you've ever spent time in an office, you will be laughing out loud and you will realize that any television series centering on workplace happenings pales in comparison to Ferris's humor. Life isn't all fun and games, and, as life would have it, things get a little dark. There are many places in the book where the reader can pause and ponder life's important questions. Three of my favorites follow:

"Some people would never forget certain people, a few people would remember everyone, and most of us would mostly be forgotten. Sometimes it was for the best. Larry Novotny wanted to be forgotten for his dalliance with Amber Ludwig. Tom Mota wanted to be forgotten for that incident involving the paintballs. But did anybody want to be forgotten about completely? We had dedicated years to that place, we labored under the notion we were making names for ourselves, we had to believe in our hearts that each one of us was memorable. And yet who wanted to be remembered for their poor taste or bad breath? Still, better to be remembered for those things than forgotten for your perfect par-boiled blandness."

"We had nothing in common with the dying and so never knew what to say to them. Our presence seemed a vague and threatening insult, something that could easily spill over into cruel laughter, and so we chose our words carefully and moved with caution gathering around the bed and restricted our jokes and bantering."

"Some days felt longer than other days. Some days felt like two whole days. Unfortunately those days were never weekend days. Our Saturdays and Sundays passed in half the time of a normal workdays. In other words, some weeks it felt like we worked ten straight days and had only one day off. We could hardly complain. Time was being added to our lives."

When you read this book, you'll come to know the characters as well as you know the people with whom you spend the majority of your waking hours. And you'll realize that every single one of the them, both in the book and in your office, is looking for significance. My question is this: when individuals seek significance through a career, do they come up empty? How about you? Does your work at the office fill you up? Are the "free bagels in the morning" really all they are cracked up to be? Or does your work, as significant to society as it may be, leave you, like the copywriters and April Wheeler, feeling empty?

Empty in the 'burbs - Book #2

2009-03-24T18:30:00.002-04:00

Richard Yates' Revolutionary Road was published in 1961. The setting of the story is a Connecticut suburb in the mid-1950's. Frank and April Wheeler appear to be the perfect young couple with the perfect family in a perfect house at the end of a perfect road in a perfect suburb. Except! Things are not so perfect. April tries to make something of herself in the suburbs and when that attempt fails, she puts her hope in helping Frank become something great. As the book's summary says, "...they have always lived on the assumption that greatness is only just around the corner." They silently focus on each other's deficiencies, and yet at the same time believe they have the potential to be better than everyone around them. The story does not end in the form of a pretty package with a bow on it; it is an incredibly sad tale. It is so sad that I didn't cry, and that's saying something. The story as a whole sat at the forefront of my brain for three days after I finished it.

That said, I loved it. I adore this book for two reasons. The first is that it is beautifully written. The second is that Yates poignantly shows how an average American couple becomes discontented with their lives. Such writing is valuable as we seek solutions to make the world a better place. Disclaimer before I continue: I am not qualified to discuss this book well from a literary standpoint, so please remember that I'm just a reader with a reaction, which follows below.

April Wheeler did not receive Caddie Woodlawn's father's monologue about women and how they make the world a better place. Or, if she did receive some such counsel, she ignored it. She's living in the 1950's, a time when keeping house and raising children was, as I understand, heralded as a noble profession. As a housewife/stay-at-home mom, April essentially rejects housekeeping and child rearing, and oh by the way, she never wanted to do it in the first place. Her disdain with life turns around when she concocts a plan to go to work. She does this under the guise of giving her husband the opportunity to find out what it is he is really meant to do with his life. Life puts a kink in that plan, and things in the Wheeler house come unraveled. April thinks that getting away from the emptiness of her home will completely change her life. And when that dream fades, she is sitting in an even emptier hole. Implied in the book is that perhaps April had some mental instability that caused the emptiness. I'm not convinced that there was any instability at all. I think she just felt that her life held no meaning.

This story lurched my gut on many levels. This is a book that I'd love to discuss theme by theme. However, the empty housewife/mother theme is the one that screamed for my attention. As a housewife/stay-at-home mom who does joyfully embrace her role but sometimes misses working, I could somewhat understand April's struggle. Ultimately, I found her reaction so very, very tragic. I wondered just how many other women in 2009 reject what used to be an honored role in life. I pondered whether or not I'm imagining that rejection. And if there is no financial reason for the wife to be earning money, I asked myself this question: "What makes women think that working outside the home is less important than working in it?" I'd love hear your thoughts.

Comments...

2009-03-23T21:40:00.000-04:00

...from Saturday.

I attended a book discussion on The Bluest Eye. Regarding her novel-project, Ms. Morrison said "...many of the readers remain touched but not moved." "Touched but not moved" was precisely what I heard at the discussion. That was a little disappointing.

...from Sunday.

I listened to a woman tell the story of how, on her first wedding anniversary, she and her husband had to SHARE a 15 cent hamburger because that was all the money they had. They will celebrate their 50th anniversary soon. The wife said that they are going to go to that same fast food restaurant to mark the occasion. The husband piped up and said, "That is the only anniversary I remember out of all of the anniversaries, and it was by far the best and the happiest." Enough said.

...from Monday.

I finished reading Across Five Aprils by Irene Hunt to the children today. I cried. And the conclusion turned my Saturday's "a little disappointing" into "very disappointing".

...from Comments.

To Stoic: Certainly, prejudice, bigotry and racism exist for all kinds of reasons other than skin color, including eye shape, religious preference (or lack thereof), social status, etc. And yes, history does show that powerful people tend to thrive on having a group of people to which they assign a "lesser" value. Why is this? It think it goes back to pride. I'm not talking about the pride I feel when I've folded seventeen loads of laundry. I'm talking about the pride that creeps in the moment I think I'm better than someone else. Thanks for your insightful comments.

To Gail: I appreciate your "different is not deficient" comment. Gently pointing out racism is a good start. This is not always easy. I often find myself in such situations (mostly in the grocery store!) as strangers question the makeup of my family. And to your point that raising children is a day in and day out effort...thank you for that reminder! It is a good one.

To abbiegrace: I don't know the ages of your children. I just wanted to let you know that my oldest children, ages nine, seven and five, all enjoyed Caddie's adventures.

To Tulip: What stands out in my memory about Caddie Woodlawn when I read it as a third-grader was that there was a little girl in my class who chose to read Caddie Woodlawn for HER diorama project when she found out that I was reading Caddie Woodlawn for MY diorama project. I was incensed. The book had a significantly bigger impact on me with this latest reading.

On Raising Daughters

2009-03-20T05:45:00.001-04:00

This post belongs in the category of "Read This Book to Your Children and You Will Benefit Greatly." I'm a huge fan of reading aloud to my children. More on that in a later post...

Poor Caddie Woodlawn. Not only is her true story pushed aside for the more popular Laura Ingalls Wilder, but she also desperately wants to be like her brothers. Being a tomboy is what she wants to be, and she is caught in the middle of her father's desire to let her "just be" and her mother's longing to refine her into the young woman she was meant "to be". Carol Ryrie Brink's delightful accounting of one woman's Civil War-era recollections gives children an historical picture of what it would have been like to live during that time. It gave me, a parent, a beautiful picture of what it means to raise daughters.

Caddie consistently gets into trouble with her brothers. Her biggest gripe, however, is that she is held to a different standard than they. In one scene, Caddie and her brothers scheme to put an egg down cousin Annabelle's dress. Caddie's brothers run free while Caddie receives punishment from her mother. The injustice is just about more than Caddie can bear. A few hours after the incident, Mr. Woodlawn goes into Caddie's room and gives this monologue, which about takes my breath away every time I read it:

"Perhaps Mother was a little hasty today, Caddie," he said. "She really loves you very much, and, you see, she expects more of you than she would of someone she didn't care about. It's a strange thing, but somehow we expect more of girls than of boys. It is the sisters and wives and mothers, you know, Caddie, who keep the world sweet and beautiful. What a rough world it would be if there were only men and boys in it, doing things in their rough way! A woman's task is to teach them gentleness and courtesy and love and kindness. It's a big task, too, Caddie -- harder than cutting trees or building mills or damming rivers. It takes nerve and courage and patience, but good women have those things. They have them just as much as the men who build bridges and carve roads through the wilderness. A woman's work is something fine and noble to grow up to, and it is just as important as a man's. But no man could ever do it so well. I don't want you to be the silly, affected person with fine clothes and manners, whom folks sometimes call a lady. No, that is not what I want for you, my little girl. I want you to be a woman with a wise and understanding heart, healthy in body and honest in mind."

Having carved a road (or ten) through the wilderness, I know it took nerve and courage and patience to do that. I'm finding out that raising daughters to have wise and understanding hearts and honest minds is a much harder task that damming a river and that it is taking much more nerve and courage and patience that I ever imagined.

Looking for a Solution to the Problem - Book #1

2009-03-19T17:03:00.003-04:00

Toni Morrison wrote The Bluest Eye in 1970. In her forward to the 2007 edition she writes, "This project, then, for this, my first book, was to enter the life of the one least likely to withstand such damaging forces because of youth, gender, and race." This book is, indeed, a project. It is, at a minimum, a masterpiece that deserves a long, hard look.

In The Bluest Eye, the reader learns the innermost thoughts, visceral feelings and subsequent actions of several people living in 1941. The focus of the book is an 11-year old girl named Pecola Breedlove. She is faced with every possible obstacle, both emotionally and physically. Pecola longs to be beautiful. The world seems dead set against allowing her to feel, see, touch, taste, or love anything of beauty. Morrison convincingly places the burden of responsibility for this robbery on society's images which portray white people and their things beautiful and black people and their things ugly.

My parents raised me in a racist-free house. They didn't just tell me that white people are not different from black people. They didn't only keep our home free of crude, stereotypical jokes based on ethnicity. They didn't simply make sure I didn't think I was better than someone because I had fair skin. They refused to distinguish people based on race. I never heard them describe someone based on their skin color or from where they came. As a result, I am a person who is absolutely horrified by racism. It makes no sense to me. I agree with the horror that shines through Morrison's writing as she paints the picture of racism in this book. I don't claim to understand what it feels like to be the brunt of racism because I've never experienced that. This book gave me a better understanding of what that experience would be like because it vividly describes emotions resulting from having your character judged based on the pigment of your skin. Last I checked, we don't choose the pigment of our skin. I know there is a problem. I see the reason, nonsensical to me as it is. What I longed for as I read the book was a solution.

Morrison repeatedly shows how white people think they are better than black people. What is that? It is pride. C.S. Lewis says, "pride...leads to every other vice...Pride is essentially competititve... Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man. We say that people are proud of being rich, or clever, or good-looking, but they are not. They are proud of being richer, or cleverer, or better looking than others..." History shows that along way white people started feeling richer, cleverer, better looking. The images produced in society reflected that pride and wah-lah! you have racism. As Lewis also says, "A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you."

I am baffled by Morrison's view that this book is somewhat of a failure. She says in the book's Forward, "...many of the readers remain touched but not moved." May you, reader, take up this masterpiece, and be moved. Moved enough to remember in whose image you are made and to look up instead of down.